The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Season 1
TV Series | The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel | Contents page
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel S01E01
Part 1
Oct. 5, 2020, 2:20 p.m.
Shh!
Who gives a toast at her own wedding?
I mean, who does that?
Who stands in the middle of a ballroom
after three glasses of champagne
on a completely empty stomach...
and I mean completely empty
because fitting into this dress
required no solid food for three straight weeks.
Who does that?
I do.
This day is perfect.
It's like a dream...
or a nightmare if you're my father.
"How much for the flowers?"
"Who eats mushroom caps?"
"Do the caterers have any idea
what the Jews just went through a few years ago?"
Two cakes, one for eating.
We're very happy.
This day has been long in planning.
Anyone who knows me knows I plan.
At 6 I decided Russian literature would be my major.
At 12 I found my signature haircut.
At 13 I announced
I was going to Bryn Mawr College.
In Katharine Hepburn's old room.
From Day 1 I knew
that decision was a charmed one.
First of all, my roommate Petra was friendly and fat,
which was perfect. I'll have someone to eat with
who won't steal my boyfriend.
It smells so good.
The campus was old and elegant,
with ivy- covered buildings and stained glass windows
and...
Monogrammed butter pats.
What?
This was a magical place
where butter was beautiful
and I would solve the mysteries of the universe
and meet brilliant women, kindred spirits
who would explore this brave new world with me.
Ooh! My God, it's burning.
It's supposed to. It's bleach.
It's awful. I hate you for this.
It was your idea. Never listen to me.
I'm nuts.
Why aren't you in pain?
I'm from Kansas.
I don't know what that means.
How much longer? Ten minutes.
Jiminy Crickets.
Where are you going? Where is she going?
I don't know.
Midge. Midge?
Midge!
How much longer? Nine minutes!
Holy fucking Christ balls!
But all of these marvelous adventures
were simply the preamble to my ultimate destiny.
I was going to meet a man...
a perfect man.
"He would be 6'4" and blond,
and his name would be Dashiell or Stafford or...
Joel. Joel Maisel.
Best buildup since Iceman Cometh.
Joel Maisel was my knight in shining armor,
a gift from God,
and he thought I was brilliant.
He took me to galleries and poetry readings
and Greek dramas.
Excuse me. Excuse me, Miss.
Thanks, toots.
Honey, don't go away.
She's going to need that.
That was Misty Dream, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, she's only 18...
in dog years.
Anyway, I'll leave the jokes to our next performer.
He's fresh out of the Merchant Marines
or some patriotic shit like that.
And, let's hear it for him...
Lenny Bruce.
This is the guy I wanted you to see.
No way he's funnier than Misty.
Thank you.
And so I was reading the paper,
and, there was a story.
These kids... 8- and 9- year- old...
were sniffing airplane glue to get high on.
These kids are responsible for turning musicians on
to a lot of things they never knew about, actually.
Then I had a fantasy of how it happened.
The kid is alone in his room.
It's Saturday.
Well, let's see now.
I'm all alone in a room, and it's Saturday.
I'll make an airplane. That's what I'll do.
I'll make a Lancaster.
Good structural design.
I'll get the balsa wood here.
I'll cut it out. I'll sand it down.
Add a little airplane glue.
I'll rub it on a rag and...
Hey now.
I'm getting loaded.
The things Joel taught me.
You know what I want?
Please don't say a virgin.
I want to make you laugh
every day of your life.
Great, but not now, though.
No, no, not now.
I have been very lucky.
I have wonderful parents.
I've had a very comfortable life,
and though I knew that love would be great,
I had no idea it would be anything
that could justify what I paid for this dress.
What I paid for that dress. We're very happy.
And because it's better
than anything I could have imagined,
I thought I should get up here today
and tell all of you that I love this man.
And yes, there is shrimp in the egg rolls.
Miriam.
Excuse me. We have a problem.
Rabbi, she's kidding.
You show me in the Bible
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Season 1
TV Series | The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel | Contents page