Would you do it with Prince William?Er, no.
Nor would I. He's going well bald.
Although, I would get him to buy me loads of amazing handbags
and then I'd say,"Sorry William, I just can't handle
"the pressure of being hounded by the press day and night."
But I would keep the handbags, obviously.
Plus he looks like he has a tiny penis.
ALL: Yeah...
Would you do it with a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs?
What would his face be like?
I mean, if he had a head like R Pattz, but with no arms
and legs, but could use his tongue, I would definitely think about it.
Would you do it with a man with a beard? No.
I'd rather do it with Osama bin Laden than a man with a beard.
Osama bin Laden has got a beard. And anyway, he's dead.
Well in that case, no.
Would you do it with a dead person if it wasn't Osama bin Laden?
What, Amber,are you actually thinking about it?
Well, if he was R Pattz and he had died very, very recently,
like in the last ten minutes,I might try.
I could tell people I was the last person R Pattz ever shagged.
I could write a book about it and go on telly
and be interviewed by Lorraine Kelly.
SCOTTISH ACCENT:"So Amber, what was it like
"to make love to dead R Pattz?"
"Well, Lorraine,it was proper tricky."
Oh Viva, look, there's Rocky. Slow down.
Why? Why are we avoiding your boyfriend?
Don't you like him no more?Tell us.
No, I still like him.
I still really, really like him,but he's getting very intense.
He keeps talking about the future.
But YOU keep talking about the future.
Yeah, but it's a different future.
I want to go to uni and Rocky wants to be a matador
or someone who owns a pie shop.
I've got an idea.
Let's skip first period and hangout in the supplies cupboard.
You, me...
and this box of 132 condoms that
I just stole from Mrs Grant’s classroom
I can't just skip first period and have sex with you in a cupboard.
We're at school!I've never done it at school before.
I bet it would be even sicker than normal.
Sometimes it's like you've got totally no idea who I am.
I actually like learning.
I could read your book out loud while we do it.
"Neuroscience and the Preservation Of The Mind, by Dr Patrick Scripps."
Sexy.No, Rocky, I'm going to my lesson.
Just five minutes, then?
Two minutes.
I can't find the light.Is this it?
no, Rocky, that's your penis.Yeah, I know. Sorry.
I need to go.Oh, one more minute!
Oh, no, I've dropped my pen!Can you find the light?
Let there be...
I think that's your pen on his left moob.
As you all know,Mr Andrews died suddenly last week.
For those of you who didn't know,Mr Andrews died suddenly last week.
It was a surprise for everyone,though of course he was very fat.
There will be a memorial service for students
and staff to remember Mr Andrews on Friday.
When someone dies suddenly,
there can be many unresolved"feelings" that need to be resolved.
Some here may be feeling angry about Mr Andrews dying and dumping
his GCSE students in the plop and leaving me to sort out the mess.
But we want you to know that we care about these "feelings"
and will be providing a counsellor
to help you discuss those "feelings"
if you're the kind of kid who can't just talk it over
with your mates like a normal person.
You should probably seethe counsellor, Viva.
What for?
Well, you could be traumatized.But I'm not.
It's not every day you find your tutor's rotting corpse.
You must feel a bit weird.
No, I'm fine.
I found my rabbit dead once.
A rat had chewed off his head,hollowed him
out on the inside,just leaving a furry bag.
Did you get any counselling?No.
Obviously we had a ceremony and buried him out the back,
next to Toggle, Billy, Elvis,Tinker, Nibbler, Mavis,
Muffin, Fudgey-Paws, Suzy, Stanley,Jacko, Peaches and Wanker.
Ah, he's in there if any of you feel the need.
Do we get off lessons, Sir?
No, you'd have togo during break or free period.
Like anyone's going to give up their free time to...
Hello Doctor,I'm here for counselling.
Er, don't forget, Viva, senior choir practice this lunch time.
And me,Mr Jefferies, I'm in senior choir.
Right, yes, you are.
So really you should be reminding meas well, shouldn't you, Sir?
Yes, right, you as well, Amber
Ah, now clear the corridor for break. Er, Viva, a moment.
It's about choir.Amber needs to leave choir.
Leave? Why?
Because she's no good.
But isn't choir just about the pleasure of singing?
But is it really about that?
Isn't it really just on one level about sounding just a little
bit like the tune?
So are you just going to kick her out, then?
No, God, no. No, no.
I have a policy of inclusivity where choir is concerned.
You're going to kick her out.Me?!
You're her friend. It's going to sound better coming from you.
Now, I want her out of the choir before the concert.
Thank you, Viva.
What's your name?
Do you fancy a cup of tea,Holli Jane?
I've just boiled the kettle.
Where would you like to start?
I don't know. I'm well confused.
My feelings are...
..all over the place.
Death can sometimes stir up some unexpected emotions.
It's just all very raw,very sudden, very painful.
Four sugars, please
Er, right, I'll just...
Gosh, you really are suffering,aren't you, Holli Jane?
I really am, Dr Nick.
This guy is hot.
He's better looking than Rocky,he's better looking than Brandon.
He's better looking than...Tyler Blaine.
No-one's better looking than Tyler Blaine.
He is. This is his bum.
There you are.Hey, Rocky.
I've got some new names for my pie shop.
I Pie, Lord of the Pies, Pie-derman.
Pies R Us.Pie-ly Tasty.TGI Piedays.