Psychoville
Season 1
TV Series | Psychoville | Contents page
Psychoville S01E01
Part 1
Jan. 24, 2021, 1:53 p.m.
Cashier number 3, please.
He's left his candle.
Bollocks!
Mr Lomax, it's Michael Fry.
Social services sent me.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Mr Lomax?
Hello?
Get your claw out of my holy of holies!
Big push for me, Emma.
Come on now.
Right, push. Ok, here's baby's head.
Breathe!
And I'll pause it there,
as some of the dads are
looking a little bit green around the gills!
I actually prefer this video.
Because unlike some of the others,
it shows the sheer bloody pain of it!
And as I always say, you gotta split the pod to get the peas out.
I won't be showing you the rest of this now.
There are copies available both on video and DVB, x certificate.
But I would ask you not to
fast forward through the contractions, please,
because after all, you can't do that in real life.
So anyway, after hours and hours
and hours of screaming agony,
this is what you get.
Here he is.
This is Freddy. How do you know it's a boy?
Because he's my little Freddy and that's what I wanted.
So,
when you're going to pick up baby,
it is most important that you support the head, like thus.
And cradle him into the crook of your arm,
being very careful with the top of his head,
because this area here is what we call soft spot.
The fontanelle. What's that, Miriam?
Oh, my name's Kate.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were Dr Miriam Stoppard.
So if you'd all like to
help yourself to a dolly from the baby box.
Dad, would you like to hand them out?
And then we can take it in turns holding the baby
and practice putting on one of these new fangled modern nappies.
There!
We've run out.
Use this one.
Don't touch him!
I'm bleeding! And he might have brain damage.
What did I just tell you about supporting their head?
Poor little mite. Come on, Freddy. There, there.
It's only a doll.
Not for much longer.
Not for much longer.
Hello there! Do you need a hand?
Are you trying to be funny?
I can manage. Thank you.
Trevor. Mr Jolly's here.
Jelly!
What? Jelly.
I'm Mr Jelly! Totally different act.
Wanted him, didn't you? Mr Jolly.
This is always happening to me. Why can't people read?
It doesn't matter.
You're still a children's entertainer, aren't you?
No, I'm Dr Harold Shipman.
Course I'm a fucking children's entertainer!
You think this is a tattoo?
We were hoping for a princess party.
Is that something...? I've got one act
and one act only!
Mr Jelly and his hundred hands.
There's not 100. There's 16, all in that bag.
Kids never count, they're all too thick.
I do balloons, magic, bubbles, stories.
Princess stories?
Can do, if the princess has hooks instead of hands.
I need a sturdy table,
pair of pliers and WD-40.
That sounds a bit dangerous around children...
I'm not spraying it on them!
I'm spraying it on these. You don't get that with Mr Jolly!
Thank you.
Where am I going?
Shit, you made me jump, man!
They sent me to read to you something.
I'll be the judge of that.
I know all about you, Michael Fry.
Little tealeaf.
What was it,
you get caught with your fingers in the pick and mix?
Something like that.
So it was either this or digging up roads, was it?
You're not daft, are you? I got caught, so...
Here,
have a plum.
No, you're all right, thanks.
They're off now, aren't they?
Yeah, a little bit. Thought they tasted a bit sharp.
Bin still here, is it? No, it's...
I'll do it.
It's that blackie cleaner. She tries to trick me.
You can't make head nor tail of her.
Did they tell you what your duties are?
They said I had to read to you, do your paperwork.
And the rest!
Do you like Tony Hancock?
Dunno who he is. Good. That's what I told them.
I don't want his name mentioned in this house again.
Not after what he did to Sid James.
Sit down.
There's some letters. Want me to read them?
Is there anything from NASA?
No... NatWest?
Damn! They won't be told!
How many more lives must they gamble with before they listen?
Go on then,
how much have I got?
2,576,319.
Pence? Four.
Good.
Lot of money, in't it, tealeaf?
I bet you're wondering how I came by it.
Let's just say I deal in certain
commodities.
Very valuable commodities.
Psychoville
Season 1
TV Series | Psychoville | Contents page