TV Series | Mulaney | Contents page
Growing up is weird, though.
Like I'm 30 now,
and I have this new phenomenon in my life where,
late at night, when I'm on the street,
women will look at me like I'm a threat.
Yeah, that is funny.
It's also weird, because I'm still afraid of being kidnapped.
But once, I walking towards the subway
2:00 in the morning-- walking towards the subway,
and there was this woman in front of me,
and she was walking alone, but she kept giving me,
like, the "Over the shoulder," like that.
And then she started to walk a lot faster.
So I thought, oh, she must hear the train coming.
Or maybe she feels it in her feet
like a native American in a movie.
So I started to sprint towards the subway at her,
and she looked back and she was like, "Aah!"
And then she gives chase, so now we're booking it
towards the subway at 2:00 in the morning,
and I'm gaining on her. And I'm gaining on her,
and we're getting to the end of the subway hallway,
and she goes into that "Dead end shuffle,"
you know, that women do when you chase 'em,
and I'm almost at her. I'm almost at her,
and then it dawns on me, "Oh, she's running from me,
"because in her eyes, I'm an adult.
And adults murder each other."
So I wanted to go up to her and be like,
"Hey, no, I'm not a man."
But I think that that would be equally creepy...
Is if you were in a subway at 2:00 in the morning
and I chased you down, grabbed you and said,
"I'm not gonna kill you. I'm a little boy."
Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay?
Thanks for coming with me, Motif.
It's no problem, I was free.
Hey, can I be your emergency contact?
Yeah, I mean, I normally put my mom,
but I guess we're roommates. Let's do it.
It's also good promotion for me.
Matter of fact, don't put my phone number down,
put down my web site: www.thecomedianmotifnyc.com.
Oh, and write down they should skip my intro.
All right. Why am I at the doctor?
Oh, "frequent urination." That's a good fake reason.
I thought you wanted to ask the doctor for Xanax.
Well, I do, but I can't just come right out
and ask a doctor for Xanax, Motif.
Looks shady when you're honest with doctors.
I need to make up a reason to be here
and then let the doctor check me out
and then when he's done I say offhandedly,
"Oh, and you know what?
Sometimes I get nervous on airplanes."
What do you need Xanax for anyway?
I'm anxious all the time, like, in every situation.
Like, I've noticed lately,
this is my regular speaking voice.
I go into a whole different speaking voice
when I'm in a public bathroom
and someone suddenly knocks on the door,
and that voice is,
"Someone's in here!
Someone's in here!"
As if they're gonna be like,
"Oh, I think there's a carnival barker in there.
"I think someone's trying to drum up business for a carnival."
Plus today, I have a meeting with Lou Cannon.
That's right! TV's Lou Cannon.
TV's Lou Cannon.
You get a job with him writing, you're set!
That dude is so talented, he's rich!
Yeah, all the more reason to be anxious.
Oh, did I tell you about this new joke I wrote?
- What's the joke? - Okay, okay, okay.
It's about like how there's, like, women...
But then, there are, like, problem bitches.
Is there more?
- That's all I have so far. - All right.
I am not crazy!
Why are you walking into rooms yelling, "I am not crazy?"
It's not fair, okay?
When a guy wants to destroy a woman,
all he has to do is call her crazy,
even if she has every right to be angry.
Hey, men get called crazy too.
Yeah, but people like it when a man's crazy.
We have recordings of Christian Bale screaming like a lunatic,
and people are impressed.
They're like, "Oh, my God, he's so passionate about his process."
Meanwhile there is a rumor that Katherine Heigl is difficult,
and she's, like, dead.
So who called you crazy, Janey?
Dustin emailed that new girl he's dating
and was like, "My ex-girlfriend is crazy."
And how did you see that email?
- He...should change...his password. - Oh, my God.
You have got to stop that stuff.
You're gonna get caught. It's so irresponsible.
Now then, I have to go lie to this doctor
so that I am drugged-up enough for my job interview.
I'll be back.
So, Mr. Mulaney, how many times a day are you urinating?
Crazy, right? But what can you do?
Anyway, doctor, sometimes, on airplanes, I've been--
W-wait, hold on, you're urinating 11 times a day?
Was that too many times to say?
Sounds like the problem could be in your prostate.
Do me a favor, come over here...
Drop your pants.
Oh, this isn't what I thought.
I should probably get going. I have a job interview.
Mr. Mulaney, you are peeing an alarming number of times a day.
There is no way you're leaving here without a prostate exam.
Oh, not on your hands, on your elbows.
- Oh, I-- - There we go.
I liked the way I was standing before, actually.
It had more dignity to it.
All right, now, you're going to feel a little pressure.
I guess this might as well happen.
Adult life is so weird.
Oh, and doctor, sometimes I get nervous on--
You let the doctor do what?
Never mind. You wouldn't understand.
TV Series | Mulaney | Contents page