- Oh, God! Do not do this to me! - Come on!
Bastards!
I... haven't...
danced... to the music!
Fifty-five?
'Dear Vic, I know you're my sister and everything,
'but you can be as daft as a brush sometimes.
'To be brutally honest, I don't think you did see
'Shakin' Stevens in the library, for two reasons.
'A, wouldn't he just buy his own copy of The Thorn Birds?
'Green Door was number one for three decades.
'And B, I can just about
imagine him in a swanky nightclub in Leicester,
'but what's he doing in Melton Mowbray public library?'
Nina?
Shall I close the door?
Good idea!
'My news is that, unexpectedly, I'm a live-in nanny
'for a busy, working single mum with two boys in north London.
'It's a long story.
'I didn't even tell you about the interview
'because it was months ago, and it didn't work out then, anyway.'
- Tea? - Lovely.
Breakfast all right?
Erm... yes, thank you.
It was just toast and marmalade, but it was very nice.
- Would you like breakfast tea? - Is that normal?
Do you mean, is that normal for this time of day, or normal tea?
Normal tea. I didn't know there was any other kind, actually.
Goal!
Oh, the boys like football!
Yep. Don't even talk to them about it. They are demented.
Oh.
I've sent them out to play while we talk.
We'll have about five minutes before there's a fight.
Let's go into the sitting room.
- Come back! - Give it...
Have you just moved in?
No. Does it look like it?
Not at all.
Why do you keep looking at the floor?
I... I've never lived in a house without carpets everywhere.
What's it like?
Not as exciting as one might think.
Do you ever lose things down the cracks?
Erm... you haven't worked much with children before.
Just the baby-sitting for my neighbours.
Er... so, why did you reply to the ad?
I wanted to move to London.
Was there a reason you thought I'd be good for the job?
I think the way it works is, you're supposed to tell me.
Yes, but if my lack of experience is a problem,
you wanted to interview me, anyway, so...
Ah! You've worked a lot with old people.
Ahem! Yes, in a care home.
Mm-hm. I was interested in that.
Well, um... we played a lot of bingo
and once a week, a slightly mad lady used to come
and she'd sing Vera Lynn songs.
No, no. Um... were they sick a lot?
Medical emergencies and so on?
Well, yes, of course.
Yeah. All the usual.
The worse the better.
Right.
Because we have a lot of emergencies here.
Joe, I mentioned in the ad, he has some medical issues.
Well, I'm not a trained nurse.
I don't need a trained nurse, that's the thing. Um...
Joe's healthy most of the time.
What I need is a nanny that doesn't flap.
Well, all I can say is, I'm capable and I wouldn't be afraid.
Good. Ah, well, um... Well, do you actually like children?
Well, if I didn't, it'd be a silly time to say so, wouldn't it?
- Can you cook? - I have a bash.
- Are you being modest? - No.
What sort of thing do you bash at?
On a good day, I can cook a very nice flan, for example.
Joe can't eat anything too chewy, or he chokes.
Well, it's only chewy on a bad day.
Well, you can't afford many bad days.
Could you cope?
Well, I mean,
I wouldn't want you to leave him with me this minute,
but I'm presuming you'd give me instructions,
and I'd follow them to the letter.
- You're such a cheater, Joe! - Oh!
He cheated, as usual! I beat him, anyway.
I was Arsenal, so I didn't mind losing.
Oh, you lying, bloody bastard! You were West Ham!
You were West Ham, bad luck. So you just beat your own team.
How does he cheat?
Who are you, actually?
This is Nina.
She might be your new nanny.
- She'll do. - Not so fast.
- What's wrong with her? - We don't know anything about her.
- Mum does, presumably. - She'll only know boring stuff.
Anyway, I'll leave you to it.
I promised them they can interview all prospective nannies.
They're the ones who have to get on with you.
'I didn't know what they were going to ask me.
'I thought it'd be about discipline and custard and so on.'
Are you a virgin?
'Which got us off to a tricky start, as you can imagine.'
Not your business. Next question.
Do you think that means she is, or she isn't?
- How old are you? - I'm 20.
She shouldn't be by now,
so if she's not telling us, it means she is.
'I mean, what would you have said?
'If you were me, that is.'
Move on, please.
- What's your favourite ice-cream flavour? - Strawberry.
- This is a fix. Mum's told her. - No, she hasn't.
There's only three, really, and no-one ever says vanilla.
- Starsky or Hutch? - Do you really care?
Exactly!
Which team do you want to win on A Question Of Sport?
I have to admit, that is a good question.
Mm. What are the teams?
Willie Carson or Bill Beaumont!
If it helps, I'm Carson, he's Beaumont.
It doesn't help, really. I think I'll stay out of this one.
All right, then, which football team do you support?