Good Omens
Season 1
TV Series | Good Omens | Contents page
Good Omens S01E01
Part 1
May 14, 2020, 9:21 a.m.
Current theories on the creation of the universe
state that if it were created at all and didn't just start,
as it were, unofficially,
it came into being about 14 billion years ago.
The Earth is generally supposed to be about 4 1/2 billion years old.
These dates are incorrect.
Some medieval scholars
put the date of the creation at 3760 BC.
Others put creation as far back as 5508 BC.
Also, incorrect.
Archbishop James Ussher claimed that the Heaven and the Earth
were created on Sunday, the 21st of October,
4004 BC, at 9:00 a.M.
This too was incorrect,
by almost a quarter of an hour.
It was created at 9:13 in the morning.
Which was correct.
The whole business with the fossilised dinosaur skeletons was a joke
the palaeontologists haven't seen yet.
This proves two things.
Firstly, that God does not play dice with the universe.
I play an ineffable game of my own devising.
For everyone else, it's like playing poker in a pitch-dark room,
for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules,
and who smiles all the time.
Secondly, the Earth is a Libra.
The entry for Libra in The Tadfield Advertiser
on the night our history begins reads as follows:
"You may be feeling rundown
and always in the same daily round.
A friend is important to you.
You may be vulnerable to a stomach upset today,
so avoid salads.
Help could come from an unexpected quarter."
This was perfectly correct on every count,
except for the bit about the salads.
To understand the true significance of what that means,
we need to begin earlier.
A little more than 6,000 years earlier, to be precise.
Just after the beginning.
It starts, as it will end, with a garden.
In this case, the Garden of Eden.
And with an apple.
Go on.
This apple will give you...
It was a nice day.
All the days had been nice.
There had been rather more than seven of them so far,
and rain hadn't been invented yet.
But the storm clouds gathering east of Eden
suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way.
And it was going to be a big one.
Well, that went down like a lead balloon.
Sorry, what was that?
I said, "Well, that went down like a lead balloon."
Yes, yes, it did, rather.
Bit of an overreaction, if you ask me.
First offence and everything.
I can't see what's so bad
about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway.
Well, it must be bad...
- Crawley. - ...Crawley.
Otherwise...
you wouldn't have tempted them into it.
Oh, they just said, "Get up there and make some trouble."
Well, obviously. You're a demon.
It's what you do.
Not very subtle of the Almighty, though.
Fruit tree in the middle of a garden
with a "Don't Touch" sign.
I mean, why not put it on the top of a high mountain?
Or on the moon?
Makes you wonder what God's really planning.
Best not to speculate.
It's all part of the Great Plan.
It's not for us to understand.
It's ineffable.
The Great Plan's ineffable?
Exactly.
It is beyond understanding
and incapable of being put into words.
Didn't you have a flaming sword?
You did. It was flaming like anything.
What happened to it?
Lost it already, have you?
- Gave it away. - You what?
I gave it away.
There are vicious animals.
It's going to be cold out there. And she's expecting already.
And I said, "Here you go. Flaming sword.
Don't thank me. And don't let the sun go down on you here."
I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing.
Oh, you're an angel.
I don't think you can do the wrong thing.
Oh, oh, thank-- oh, thank you.
It's been bothering me.
I've been worrying, too.
What if I did the right thing with the whole "eat the apple" business?
A demon can get into a lot of trouble
for doing the right thing.
It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh?
If I did the good thing and you did the bad one.
No.
It wouldn't be funny at all.
Good Omens, being a narrative of certain events
occurring in the last 11 years of human history,
in strict accordance, as shall be shown,
with The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch.
It wasn't a dark and stormy night.
But, don't let the weather fool you.
Just because it's a mild night
doesn't mean that the forces of evil aren't abroad.
They are. They are everywhere.
Two demons lurk at the edge of the graveyard.
They are pacing themselves,
and can lurk for the rest of the night, if necessary.
With still enough sullen menace left
for a final burst of lurking around dawn.
Bugger this for a lark.
He should have been waiting for us.
Do you trust him?
- Nope. - Good.
It'd be a funny old world if demons went around
trusting each other.
What's he calling himself up here these days?
Good Omens
Season 1
TV Series | Good Omens | Contents page