TV Series | Future Man | Contents page
Coming up on this season of The DieCathlon...
Brought to you by Ultramax,
the bulk-free blood diaper you never have to remove.
She's a stone-cold killer who buries her emotions,
while keeping the body count sky high.
Forged in the damp fire of hell's sewer, she survived,
only to have the very nature of her own existence questioned
over and over and over again.
But this tiger burns bright with survival instinct
and a little help from her friends.
Metal spoke sharpener!
He's a demolitions expert-cum-fashion icon-
cum-celebrity chef- cum-politician,
prince, poet, and thief.
He doesn't just survive, he thrives,
with little time for remorse,
and even less time for the losers
who simply don't get it,
which is everyone not named him.
This wolf is at your door blowing your mind and your house down,
and you're somehow thanking him for it.
He was masturbating one night and was mistaken
for someone he wasn't: a hero.
But that didn't stop him from becoming one...
or so he thought!
Visited by two super soldiers from the future
and dragged along for the time-traveling joyride of a lifetime,
he should be dead, a footnote in a mistake file
labeled, "Are you fucking kidding me? This asshole?"
Yet, somehow, Josh is still kicking.
Yeah, you heard right.
Where he comes from, Josh is a man's name.
Now, these three renegades have been appropriated by the network,
convicted of time crimes,
and sentenced to death by entertainment.
They're gonna be running for their lives,
hunted by creatures both real and mythological,
tested in ways the human body
and mind simply wasn't designed to endure,
but this trio's got something special,
and with a little luck, you're gonna see it splattered
all over your Opti-Scope.
I am Susan Saint Jackalope,
and this is the centennial season of...
I've gotta say, I've got a really good feeling
about this upcoming season.
Really, I think there's something special about these three.
Well, hon, you've been unlucky the last few cycles.
You were due some quality contestants.
I know, and the network,
as soon as they feel like maybe things aren't working
as well as they used to,
they get panicked and they get ruthless.
Think of everything that you've been through.
The ratings slide, the coup d'état,
the mass prisoner suicides.
Oh, and that Galaxus 9 core meltdown,
and somehow, somehow, you're still standing.
It's because you're strong.
I don't deserve you.
Oh, of course you do.
All you have to do is turn me on.
Ooh, 97% charged, I see.
- Get ready. - Okay.
You know, if they cancel the show,
things will change around here.
We don't have to talk about that right now.
The network will take me and Stanley away.
Our hard drives will be wiped.
We'll be allocated to a new executive,
one more worthy of the G7300 class.
That's not gonna happen.
Well, how do you know, you stupid piece of shit?
You took the planet's most popular show
and you made it boring and predictable,
just like the sex we're about to have.
What are you doing right now?
Now, bend over, so I can do to you
what you've been doing to your sponsors.
I am gonna get something big and hard and cold.
I am gonna hit you until your ass is so red that--
Oh, God, hold me. I'm so scared.
Oh, it's scary, but I'll hold you.
I forgot to put her into sleep mode.
That's how babies used to be made.
Time to dream of electric sleep, Stanley.
Sweet dreams, Stanley.
- Where were we? -* Y'all ready for this? *
I knew this would stand the test of time.
- You thinking Pelican's Folly? - No, it's too risky.
Those bionic pumas would sniff us out
before we could hide enough rocks in our mouths.
- Hyena's Whisper. - Yes.
Especially in an arena this size.
They'll never see it coming,
and it might buy us just enough time to pull a classic.
- What the fuck are you guys talking about?
We are about to die out there!
Do you know how many times we've turned a death sentence
into a life paragraph?
This isn't anything we haven't seen before.
You know what?
Maybe we deserve this.
Maybe this is justice. I mean, we fucked up the universe.
I mean, the whole universe.
That's what you get when you think you're a savior.
I thought I was special, and because of that,
TV Series | Future Man | Contents page