Have you ever wanted to live forever?
Maybe now is your chance.
Scientists in Russia say they're very very close
to unlocking the mysteries of eternal life.
They just have one cabinet, and I quote,
Unless something goes wrong during the experiments, unquote.
Ugh, oh my, what could possibly go wrong
playing around with the mysteries of eternal life?
In international news,
something wicked this way comes.
It's being widely rumored
both in Russia and China
are calling hundreds of thousands of chickens
in an attempt
to halt a new variation
of the so called bird flu.
Now haven't we heard this song and dance before?
Of course, we have.
But this gossip has whispers
of something much more fearful and sinister,
Our multitalented sources are working
to confirm the rumors, but where there's smoke,
there usually is a fire.
And in this case, folks,
I'd venture to say it could be a raging inferno.
Now excuse me,
but we have to take
an obscene commercial profit break.
Valentine's Day is just around the corner,
and you're gonna wanna look your very best.
Have you ever wanted your clothes to be a whiter white?
Well, of course, you have.
Love is in the air, folks.
I did the best I could.
You can't be the savior
of the every dog and cat in the city, Max.
Besides, the guy's face was swollen up like a pumpkin.
He deserved it, Dale.
Be that as it may.
To my best friend, protector of small children
and small creatures, great and small.
Hey, what's the difference
between a lawyer and a vampire?
- Aren't you a lawyer? - I'm your lawyer.
That's what's gonna make it funny.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Oh, that's funny, Dale.
I got a million of 'em.
That's too bad.
You're drooling. And drooling is normal.
You're normal, max.
You are just a normal guy.
Hard to accept, isn't it?
So are you just gonna stare at me all night
or are you gonna step up to the plate like a real man?
I'll step up to the plate.
I can't believe that line actually worked.
- Hey, I'm Sara. - Max.
- Very nice to meet you, max. - Nice meeting you.
Can I buy you a cocktail?
Yeah, I like that.
Vampire only sucks blood at night.
Hey, what's a lawyer's favorite pour-a-cop reception?
- What? - His personality.
I got a million of 'em.
- So are you coming in? - I'm not sure.
- It's been awhile for me. - Oh, Max,
it's like riding a bike.
You know how to ride a bike, don't you?
I was the bicycle king of my block, if that counts?
Oh, the whole block?
- Oh yeah. - Wow.
I think you should bring that whole bicycle king inside.
Will I see you again?
Wild horses couldn't drag me away.
Has anyone even taken the time to read this?
For those of you who do not know,
I performed Shakespeare on the stage in London.
The bard onstage,
"A horse, a horse,
my kingdom for a horse."
Can you see the tears welling up in my eyes?
Can you not?
And you must be the professor.
Yes, but of course, you are.
Excuse my little tirade, but this business
can drive a grown man to cry.
Are we ready to shoot this?
Are you guys ready up there?
All right, quite on the set.
Hello, my name is Phil Philbin
and thank you for watching
this edition of "Monster Mania."
Today I have with me my esteemed guest, Dr. Rupert Stuben,
frequent lecturer at such stellar institutions as
Harvard and MIT.
He now works exclusively for the World Health Organization.
let me get right to the point.
Are the rumors true?
Well, we have many new rumors on a daily basis.
Which rumors are you talking about specifically?
Uh, duh, let's see.
China killing chickens.
A new, may be sinister, bird flu at our door?
As I'm sure you are aware,
rumors cause, fear and anxiety
this many of the population.
The young people, the old people,
uh, especially, the ill educated.
But more importantly,
the misplaced rumors.
Maybe you're misplaced.
I deal In fact, Mr. Philbin.
I am here to dampen the phobia.
Fact this, professor.