What's up, numb-nuts?
Read 'em and weep.
Van Halen at the Centrum.
Third row!
You should take Jolene, man.
I heard she got big nipples.
This is Van freakin' Halen, man.
Get serious.
Besides, I'm just not into girls anymore.
Dude, I'm into guys, too!
No, no, no, no, no.
That's not what I meant.
I'm into women.
Hey, Mary.
I got two tickets to Van Halen this weekend.
What time should I pick you up?
It is Miss McGarricle, Donny.
And that's cute,
but I am your teacher, not your girlfriend.
Whoa, Miss McGarricle, who said anything about girlfriends?
Let's just start with a summer fling,
couple of hand jobs,
no expectations.
Don't get all psycho on me right away.
That is a month's detention.
What's a hand job?
I don't know, but I think I want one.
Can I go to the bathroom?
No. No talking in detention, Mr. Berger.
All right, I'm sorry for what I did.
I promise I won't do it again.
You're in a lot of trouble, Donny.
Wait, you're not gonna tell my dad, are you?
He'll kick my ass. He's crazy.
What were you trying to do, anyway?
Impress your friends?
Well, you know, you're...
You have a little crush on me?
No.
"No. " So, you...
You don't want me.
No. Yeah.
I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now.
Is that gum in your mouth, Donny?
You know, I've been watching you all year, Donny.
When you hit that shot to beat Fairfield
and you were jumping up and down in your little Larry Bird short-shorts
and sweating like a jar of pickles in the hot sun...
Oh, God.
That was so hot.
Is this really happening?
This is happening.
It's happening right now.
In my office.
Okay. Awesome.
So, I'm totally in.
How do you want to do it?
'Cause I made sex before, lots of ways.
So you want to go straight to hand jobs
or eating me out or taking me from behind?
I'll teach you.
I'm a virgin.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Who? Me?
Hey, Donny, what'd you get?
And if I'm elected eighth grade class president,
I promise to...
You're getting so good at this!
I promise to do my best to lower prices at the school stores and...
All of our practice is really paying off!
I like the sound of that.
Timmy, stop. Hold on a second.
My dad's gonna kick my ass.
Calm down!
Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny!
Who's the man?
Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny!
Yeah! You want some of me? Who's the man?
All right, everybody!
Enough!
I am aware that a lot of people think
that this young man
is not really a victim, but someone that's living
the ultimate teenage boy's fantasy.
Absolutely.
But this is a serious crime.
Mary Beth McGarricle, rise for sentencing.
The fact that this relationship
has resulted in a pregnancy and you show absolutely no remorse,
saying, and I quote,
I would fuck that kid again and again.
"He makes me feel like there's a rainbow
coming out of my beaver. "
...leaves me absolutely no choice
but to levy the maximum penalty.
Thirty years in the Massachusetts Women's Penitentiary.
And furthermore, the court grants custody of the unborn child
to Donald Berger's father...
Dumb-ass.
...until Donald turns 18,
at which time he will assume full custody.
Take care of our baby, Donny!
Miss McGarricle!
I'll never stop loving you!
That is just fucking mental.
The kid is young, he's attractive,
he can probably keep a hard-on longer than this fucking guy.
Made you flinch, pansy.
Go ahead! I don't need you!
I'm Donny freakin' Berger!
I'm wicked famous and I got a wicked big schlong!
Hey, here's something. Donny Berger's back in the news.
That kid who got his teacher pregnant?
Exactly. I love that guy.
Seems like he bought a round last night.
Okay...
For everybody in Boston Garden.
Oh, my God, he's my hero.
That kid is burning through that money, but he's having a good time doing it.
So, guy, how'd we do?
What them fuckers at the IRS say?
Well, they said a lot of stuff.
The thing that really jumped out
was "three years in prison. " Three years?
Yeah, you haven't paid taxes since '94, Donny.
What... I thought they were taking it out automatically!
I told them that's what you thought,
and they said it's the stupidest thing they ever heard.