Our dad could have beat the shit out of your dad.
I'm not bragging, it's just a fact.
You may have heard that the human head weighs 11 pounds
and the neck shouldn't be able to support it.
Our dad's mustache alone weighed 12,
his neck didn't give a shit, because it was basically a third bicep.
He drove an '89 350.
Got ten miles to the gallon,
but he offset his carbon footprint by growing our mom
a fresh bouquet of flowers every single day.
I still drive it.
Him and our mom had three boys.
Adam, that's me, Tim, and Kevin.
With our powers combined,
we never once got him to the ground,
and Tim was a high school state champion wrestler in junior high.
Every summer, we'd go to the cabin he built with his bare hands,
because tools are for cowards,
and he showed us everything there was to know
about being a man.
Building fires, chopping down trees, subduing bears.
You know, the basics.
He called it "Man Camp",
and then when I was 16 years old,
he ran into the one thing that he couldn't take down
with his world class ax throwing abilities.
He got cancer.
And within months,
the greatest man to walk the planet was gone.
Now, your dad might still be alive,
but if they ever do throw down in Heaven,
or you know, I don't how all that's going to work,
but if they do,
our dad will absolutely beat the shit out of your dad.
Can we not do this today?
Stop licking it, eat it.
If you like the taste, then put it all the way in.
If you like the way it tastes, then put it in your belly.
Look at me, you eat that oatmeal right now.
You put it in your mouth and you swallow it
or I will take your blankie
and I will burn it like Captain von Trapp burning the Nazi flag.
Do you understandI can get rid of you in a second, bud.
They got orphanages on every corner.
I thought the breakfast battle would be over by now.
Hey, is this thing ours, because I'm not,
I'm not feeling super sure about it.
You saw him come out of me, so.
Indeed, indeed I did. How was the gym?
Ugh, Kristen, you know,
the one who is only eating raw bacteria
for three weeks to reset my vagina?
Cornered me about her pyramid scheme again.
- Did you get in the pyramid, babe- No, I did not, babe.
Babe, you got a chance to get in a pyramid,
you get in there, you get that forbidden treasure, babe.
Oh, you're dumb.
- Did you start packing for your trip yet- Yeah.
What is the matter with youIt's Man Camp Week!
Usually you're all like, "Oh, cook up this meat!
Grab me a beer, scratch my balls.
- Whoa! - Wow, that's what I'm like?
Yeah, when you're with the your brothers, yes.
Well, I'm just a little tired of being
the only adult in the family, you know?
It's been like babysitting the last few years.
Not now, Artiz, I'm trying to make a point.
Listen, can't you just,
like, crack the whip and tell me I can't go?
- Crack... the whip- Yeah.
- You know, the whip. - Oh, ugh, mm.
Lots of wives do it.
You're disgusting and no,
I'm not going to let you end your 12 year tradition
of celebrating your dad's life at the cabin, okay?
Now, I'm going to go shower.
I've had a morning, okayClean this up, please.
- Thank you. - Okay, bye.
- Bye, I love you. - Love you.
Oh, hey, babeUh, we got to burn Max's blankie.
I can't afford to make another idle threat.
- Have fun. Bye. - Bye.
Don't get too drunk.
- I will! - Okay.
There... there you go.
What the hell do you want, manIt's like 10:00 in the morning.
Yeah, man, that's not early, so is Tim around?
- Tim, resident Tim- Yeah.
Yeah, nobody comes in just to see Tim.
Not nobody, not no how.
Yeah, man, I'm his older brother, so.
Oh, bro, why didn't you say soCome on in.
This guy from the President Tim poster.
Hey, man, I saw a picture of your wife.
- Did you- Yeah, it's right there.
It's actually a picture of you and your wife.
Not a day goes by that I don't regret
letting that little one off the hook.
I, I don't know what you mean, what?
Me and Katie,
we were a... a thing.
All right, what about this?
Let's get the starty parted!
In the flesh.
Katie Baker is married... to me.
- Tim. - Adam!
- Bro! - Broski.
- Broski- Brocahontas.
- Brocapontas. - Brontosaurus.
- Brohannesburg. - Bone browth.
- Saxobrone. - Dearly bebrothed.
- Broner. - Potato potahbro.
- Bronze Julius. - Broreos and milk.
Brone, brone, brone, brone
Brone, brone, brone
Brone, Brone, Brone
- What's up, dude- Did you skip the party last night?
Uh, I wasn't really in the mood to rage,
but I saw the ladies in here and wowza,
so I kept it to a 12-pack and hung around for a bit
to fulfill my presidential duties,
look after these fine lads.
I'm going to go wait in the truck.