I've got less than a minute to tell you what you need to know.
Put your phones away and pay attention.
Or you could end up as someone's dinner.
All of this is classified.
Well, I guess it was, until now.
Isolated cases of a zombie virus
started popping up around the country.
A small covert agency was formed to quietly contain it...
By any means necessary.
I was recruited, along with others like me,
because of our...
I guess you could say, special skills.
More on me later.
We still don't know much about the virus,
or how it started.
All we do know is
it turns people into zombie freaks who eat all of your organs.
Even the nasty, ugly ones.
And for all of you who can't keep it in your pants,
Because it's transmitted through sex.
Damn! You're sexy.
I can't believe I'm hooking up with the hottest girl in school.
I'm all yours, Jake Stephens.
What do you want to do to me?
I really wanna eat you.
Wait! Are you biting me?
Sorry. Am I doing this wrong?
I wish I could say this was the most disturbing thing
to happen to me today.
But it isn't even close.
Don't stop now.
You were about to get to second base with your pillow.
Nope. That isn't it either.
What are you doing in my room?
Need your morning medicine?
You want a hit?
You're a great role model.
I was helping Jake get up.
Thank you, sweetheart.
You know that career aptitude test you took this week?
Yeah, Adam made his sheet look like a vagina.
His parents must be proud.
Well, the results came in.
How'd I do?
Failed a career test?
You're the first person in the history of the test to do it.
And you thought Adam's parents were proud.
I'm serious, Jake.
It's not just the test.
The vice principal said you show no interest
or appear to be engaged in anything.
That's not true.
I have interests.
You know that's not what eating her out means, right?
I don't think you do.
Poor dream Amanda.
As if hooking up with you wasn't bad enough.
What are you guys talking about?
How Jake can't even dream about nailing Amanda without fucking it up.
What the hell does she see in Chazz Slade?
I mean, you only don't like him 'cause
he's always shoving your head in the toilet.
Yeah, obviously that's why I don't like him.
What the fuck are you staring at?
Me? I wasn't staring. Me and my friends were just...
Just trying to get my locker to...
It never opens.
Get to it and stop eye fucking my girl.
I'm not your girl anymore.
Your locker, huh?
Hey, you know I, uh...
I really dug your speech in class this morning.
The only time I said anything
was when I asked to go see the nurse
because my stomach hurt.
That's the one. I, um...
My stomach's been hurting, too,
so it really spoke to me.
How's this for a speech?
Let him go!
Nice chatting with you, Chazz. See you in class.
Thanks for bailing on me.
Check out Fernandez.
He cut holes in his pocket so he can jerk off in class.
Kid's a fucking genius.
Good morning, students.
Today in class we're gonna be watching a movie.
We're gonna watch a film on the dangers of unsafe sex.
- We're gonna see some titties? - Now, come on.
This is mandated by the U.S. government
for every grade level.
So it's my civic duty to insist
that you all pay attention.
Try to learn something.
I'm so not in the mood to watch this.
You went bareback with that punker chick from Landmines the other night.
Shh, shh, shh.
I poured Listerine on my junk when I got home.
It kills all the germs.
How does that feel?
You have something you wanna share with the rest of the class?
Why don't you tell everyone the story about
stuffing your unwrapped hotdog in that girl's dirty buns?
Okay, okay. Come on, come on. Grow up.
After this film, there's gonna be a pop quiz
on why that joke's not funny.