- Ah! - Hey, you! Good?
You know a lot of that
white noise is leftover sound of the birth of the universe.
They call it, uh, cosmic microwave background radiation.
Man, talk about putting lipstick on a pig.
Lipstick? Like what on a what?
Is that a thing? Is that a saying?
It's a very romantic spin on radio static.
It wasn't a line, I'm not, like, feeding you a line here.
That's... that's science.
I mean, science is beautiful and romantic,
but that's the Big Bang, I mean that's fact.
What is this place, really?
It's my house.
- I live here. - No, you don't live here.
No. No, but it's in my... it's been in my family for, uh, ever.
Wait, this is my birthday present?
Not the... not the house. It's what's inside the house.
Right, okay, all right.
Oh, my God, you're gonna be so underwhelmed now.
No, no, I'm not. I'm relieved, actually.
Sure. This is gonna be so brutal.
Is this my birthday present?
Well, yeah, it's, uh...
You know, it's experiential.
You can't... you can't put a big red bow
on the kind of night that I have in store for you.
You can't, uh, you can't unwrap making a memory.
Ah, okay, I see.
So you drag me through the woods
to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house,
and I'm supposed to, what, throw myself at you?
Well, I mean, I got flowers. Did you see the flowers?
And what was your plan?
You're gonna just kill me or kill me and eat me afterwards?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, you got it backwards.
I'm gonna eat you first.
Do you bring all your girlfriends here?
All my girlfriends are still here.
I told them I'd bring them a friend.
They're going to love you, darling.
It's so dark in the attic.
No, come on.
I haven't brought anybody here.
Do you know anybody else in fuckin' Barlow
that would've walked through that grove?
- No. - No. Just you, though.
- That's very sweet. - Hm.
I hope you brought some wine to go with that cheese.
- Peanut Noir? - Yeah.
- That's from Georgia. - Oh, Georgia.
Where they make all the best wines.
Oh, wait. Do, uh, do your, um,
the swirly, sniffy, something-something...
- On the peanut wine? - Yeah, but it's not...
I told you it wasn't actually peanuts.
Okay. All right.
- It's fruit-forward. - Sure.
- I smelled grapes. - Naturally.
- Yeah. Like grape jelly. - Grapes.
Hints of peanut shells.
It's a peanut butter and jelly wine.
I knew you were gonna do that.
You're such a fucking snob. You're such a snob!
- Is it really that bad? - Yeah.
I think the jar really opens it up.
It may just be the moment, but I think it's pretty great.
Well, this is good,
'cause the people at the peanut wine place,
they talked me into buying a whole case of this shit.
Oh, yeah! They were selling it hard.
You've got like 11 more bottles of this.
Drink up. So drink up.
What is this?
- "For Julie." - Hey, wait. Wait, what is this?
- Hey, what is it? - Who the fuck is Julie?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, let me see that.
- Wait. - That... that's...
That's been in there for like ten years.
I'm sorry, is this a mixtape for another girl on my birthday?
- Like eighth grade. - Is that what this is? Wow.
- You are not playing that! - I am!
You absolutely will not. Nope. You are not playing that.
I will take the whole fucking thing down.
- Come on. - This is truly experiential.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Where you at, girl?
Okay. You can open your eyes now.
Hey, hey, hey!
It's a kitten!
You have a balloon attached to you. Aw!
- I found him like that. - With this balloon attached?
- Yeah. - Do you want this off of you?
You're a mess. You're a mess, kitten.
Do you like birthday gifts you have to care for for 20 years?
Do they live 20 years?
Wow, it's gonna outlast our relationship.
Fuck. Oh, sleepy baby.
He's just as lazy as you are.
Should probably get that thing off him
before he floats away.
Hey, this is Abby.
I'm not around right now, so leave a message.
Hey, baby, it's me.
Um, listen, the mail's really piling up here, okay?
A bunch of bills and shit, and I don't know what's paid
or what's been paid, you know,
you're the one that usually handles all that shit, so...
I got a bunch of birthday cards too.
Listen, baby. If you want outta this thing,
you're gonna have to talk to me sooner or later, okay?
You can't just disappear. All right?
Also, this is gonna sound crazy, I know,
but ever since you left some kinda...
...thing's been comin' outta the woods every night.
Scratchin' on the door, tryin' get in the house.
And I know you're probably just rollin' your eyes,
thinkin' it's just this thing or that thing, but it's not.
Okay? I know everything in these woods.
This is, uh...