Friends Season 9 Episode 22: The One with the Doner.
Charlie: Oh! That feels sooo good!
Rachel: Oh, lucky me! Coffee and a live sex show!
Charlie: I'm sorry, what?
Rachel: Ah? Oh, I'm sorry, nothing, I was just-I was just reading to Emma.
Charlie: From ... Cosmo?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah. It's uh, "climax your way to better skin."
Charlie: So, I have to go shopping today, which is my least favourite thing, I'm soo bad at picking out clothes!
Joey: So you need someone who knows fashion, to uh tell you what looks good.
Rachel: Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me!
Joey: Oh hey Rach!
Joey: Maybe you could take Charlie shopping.
Rachel: Oh, well ...
Charlie: I'm sure you have better things to do.
Joey: Are you kidding?
Joey: Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who taught me, you don't wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes.
Charlie: If you have the time, I'd really appreciate the help.
Rachel: Ok, uh-uh ... Let's-Let's shop!
Joey: Ok, you're gonna come back with some very classy clothes ... and some slutty lingerie, slutty!
Phoebe: Ok, great! All right, bye! Pain in the ass!
Phoebe: That's off, right?
Joey: What's the matter, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh ... Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight, he's gonna be there.
Phoebe: And she was like "Oh, don't worry! I asked him. He's totally ok with seeing you!"
Phoebe: So now I have to go so he'll think that I'm totally ok with seeing him!
Rachel: Which you're not, because you've totally hung up on him!
Rachel: And you're gonna want him to eat his heart out so you're gonna have to look fabulous!
Phoebe: I didn't even think about that! Aaargh, sexual politics!
Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, I'm-I'm taking Charlie shopping, why don't you come and I'll help you find something.
Phoebe: Ok, that'll be great!
Joey: Oh, ain't that nice? The three of you, trying on slutty lingerie together.
Rachel: That's not what we're gonna do!
Joey: Why would you ruin it, who was that hurting?
Chandler: Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face!
Monica: Oh, I so can't believe this! My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I was trying so hard to be a good hostess!
Chandler: Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low motility, because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!
Doctor Connelly: Hi there.
Doctor Connelly: Well, I'm sorry there wasn't better news from your test last week but uh I wanted to talk to you about your options.
Doctor Connelly: Well, first of all, even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know! So, keep having sex on a regular basis.
Chandler: Ah, damn it!
Monica: Don't worry, after a while you'll-you'll tune it out.
Doctor Connelly: Well, given your situation, the options with the greatest chances for success would be surrogacy, or insemination using a sperm donor.
Doctor Connelly: And, of course, if you feel that neither of those is right for you, you could always adopt.
Chandler: Is that a hint?
Chandler: Because we love you Doctor Connelly, but we don't think we want you to be our child!
Chandler: Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment!
Rachel: Hi! Ok, you ready to go pick up Phoebe and go shopping?
Charlie: Oh, yeah! Let's do it!
Joey: Alright, have a good time.
Rachel: Not gonna find any clothes in there!
Ross: Hey, you guys!
Ross: Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference?
Charlie: Umh ... Kurs Bailey?
Ross: Yeah, right! What was last time he made a submission deadline for an abstract?
Ross: Well, why're you laughing?
Joey: Just ... seeing what it'd be like to be a paleontologist ... it's fun, yeah!
Charlie: So you're up for keynote speaker!
Charlie: Who's making the decision?
Ross: Professor Sherman, yeah. I'm meeting with him today.
Charlie: Oh, he's a pretty tough guy to impress.
Ross: Yeah, well, I think I know how to dazzle him.
Rachel: Oh ... you're not gonna do a magic trick, are ya?
Ross: Tsz ... No!
Chandler: Hey you guys!
Ross: Wait a minute, you guys. Oh, I wanna ask you something. I-I-I may get to speak at this paleontology convention and if I do, I'd love you guys to come and hear me.
Chandler: I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff and or are sick.
Ross: It's in Barbados.
Chandler: But you come first!
Rachel: I'm there!
Joey: I don't know Ross, I'm not feeling too ...
Rachel: Barbados is in the Caribbean, Joe.
Joey: Why didn't anybody say so? !
Charlie: See you later.
Joey: Ok, bye.
Rachel: Bye, see ya.
Joey: All right. So, how did it go at the fertility clinic?
Chandler: Not as much fun as last time. Apparently you only get porn if you're giving a sperm sample.
Ross: So uh, so what'd the doctor say?
Chandler: Well ... there's surrogacy, but Monica's dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she just felt that watching a surrogate would be ... too hard for her.
Joey: So you're ruling out surrogacy?
Joey: So, I don't have to learn what that means?
Chandler: Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so ... we're talking about sperm donors.
Joey: Enough said, I'm there for you man. Where is she, upstairs?
Chandler: Your long-standing offer to have sex with my wife is appreciated.
Chandler: But I think I'll pass.
Ross: So, uh, how do you feel about all this?
Chandler: Oh, I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but, I don't think there is one.
Joey: Come on Ross, be a good guy. Step up and do it!
Ross: What? No! I am not gonna give them Ben!
Ross: The data we are receiving from MRI scans and DNA testing of these fossils are-are staggering.
Professor Sherman: Mmm-mm.
Ross: I mean, we've been accepting Leakey's dates as a-a given, but if they're off by even a hundred thousand years or so then you can-you can just throw most of our assumptions, you know, right in the trash.
Ross: So-so what I am saying is-is, is that, is that, uh the repercussions could, could be huge!
Ross: I mean, not just in palaeontology, but if, if you think about it, in-in evolutionary biology, uh, genetics, geology, uh, I mean, truly, the-the mind boggles!
Ross: Oh, that's not what you want.
Shop assistant: Incentive For Men?
Phoebe: Oh, I'll take some of that.
Rachel: Pheebs, that's for men!
Phoebe: No, I know, but this way when I go to the party later, Mike will know I am over him 'cause I'm gonna smell like another guy.
Phoebe: Yeah. Ok.
Phoebe: Oh good, I'm dating a Russian cab driver ...
Phoebe: Seriously, Does anyone buy this? I smell like beets!
Charlie: So, you know what, I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads on them. Where do you think those would be?
Rachel: Um, on Melanie Griffith in "Working Girl".
Rachel: Um, I think what you want is over here.
Charlie: See, I told you I needed someone!
Charlie: Oh, you know, by the way, as a "thank you", I would really love to take you out.
Charlie: Yeah! Actually Joey and I are going to the movies tonight, you wanna come?
Rachel: Oh, I can't. Because I've-I've, I've seen them.
Charlie: You've seen, all the movies.
Rachel: Yeah! I'm a big fan! Of the movies, you know. Motion pictures. The Talkies!
Phoebe: Hey, Rach, will you come with me to-to a dressing room?
Charlie: Well- you know, maybe we can do something else!
Rachel: Well, you know that depends on what it is! I've done a lot of stuff.
Phoebe: So now what were you doing out there, do you not like Charlie?
Rachel: She's-she's ok, I just, I don't know, I still don't get a really good vibe from her!
Rachel: I don't know, you know, just the wayshe waltzed in here all smart, and tall! You know, and just swept Joey off his feet, I mean, nobody else has a chance!
Phoebe: Who else?
Rachel: Anybody! You, me, you know, Monica's mom.
Phoebe: You like Joey?
Rachel: Shhh! Phoebe!
Rachel: All right, look. You know, I have, I have a little thing for him.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Rachel: It's just physical and I have it totally under control! Ok? It's just, when I see them together, sometimes I-I just, I get a little jealous!
Phoebe: Uh, wow! Isn't it ironic that he liked you and now you like him.
Rachel: I get it!
Phoebe: Oh all right, as long as it is under control, you know, I mean, you can't do anything about it, he's already dating her, and she is a nice person, that wouldn't be right.
Rachel: Right, I know, I know, so it is, it's just not a big deal.
Rachel: So can we keep this between us?
Phoebe: Sure! Sure! Ok.
Rachel: Ok, great, 'cause I gotta get out of here, the smell of beets is killing me!
Phoebe: Any-any chance Charlie has a deaf twin?
Monica: Hi honey!
Chandler: Look, I brought a friend home for dinner, this is Zack from work!
Monica: Oh, of course, it's so nice to see you again, Zack!
Zack: You too.
Chandler: You guys haven't actually met before, but, boy! You're both polite!
Chandler: Why don't you have a seat Zack, I'll get you a beer.
Monica: I got it.
Chandler: So, Zack's pretty nice, uh?
Monica: Yeah, I guess.
Chandler: So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his?
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: Well, we're talking about sperm donors and Zack may be the guy! I mean, look, he's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic, I mean, he is "spermtastic"!
Monica: Chandler, this is crazy! What did you even say to him! "Come up, meet my wife! Give us your sperm"!
Chandler: No, I invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! You know, I mean, if we go to a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out.
Chandler: I'm telling you, he's great!
Chandler: I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I'd think he'd be the way to go!
Monica: I'm not going to be a part of this!
Monica: You can't just bring some random guy at home and expect him to be our sperm donor!
Zack: You uh, you have a coaster? I don't wanna make a ring.
Monica: Tell me about yourself, Zack!
Rachel: Oh, God, you think she heard? It would be so bad if she heard!
Phoebe: Well, maybe she didn't hear! Ok I'm gonna go into that dressing room, you stay in here and I'll talk, see if you can hear me.
Rachel: Ok, great!
Rachel: Oh, thank God I can't hear a word that you're saying!
Phoebe: I didn't say anything yet!
Rachel: Well, get back in there and talk!
Phoebe: I'm Rachel. It's so annoying when I put Emma on the phone to talk with my friends.
Rachel: What? !
Phoebe: Well, some things are just hard to say to your face.
Rachel: Ok, well, I heard that! Which means that she heard it too!
Phoebe: Ooh! We have a problem.
Rachel: Oh! What are we gonna do?
Stranger: Just be honest with her.
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Stranger: And it is annoying when parents put their babies on the phone.
Rachel: Alright! Enough out of you!
Phoebe: Thank you.
Ross: Where did I go wrong? This is good stuff.
Ross: Joey! Hey, I need to talk to Charlie. Is she there?
Joey: No. She erh she went shopping with Rachel. Why? What's up?
Ross: Oh, I'm meeting with professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker.
Joey: How's it going?
Ross: It could be better!
Ross: He, uh ... he fell asleep!
Joey: What? ! But I already bought my ticket to Bermuda!
Joey: Fine, I'll rent a car and drive!
Joey: Ross, you have to get that job!
Ross: What am I supposed to do? He's out cold!
Ross: In fact, he-he was just talking in his sleep before. And evidently he wants someone named Fran to spank him harder.
Joey: Well, just wake him up!
Ross: I can't! If he realizes that I'm the one who put him to sleep, I won't get the job!
Joey: Oh! That's a tough one.
Joey: Oh! Wait a minute, this happened to me before!
Joey: Yeah, I was auditioning for a play, and the producer fell asleep and ... no, wait a minute ... it was me who fell asleep ... hey, Shakespeare, how about a chase scene once in a while? !
Monica: Hey guys! Dinner's ready!
Zack: Oh! I'm gonna go wash up first.
Chandler: So what do you think? I want that guys genes for my kid! Those eyes, those cheekbones!
Monica: Ok, there's enthusiastic and there's just plain gay!
Chandler: You don't like him.
Monica: I think he is fine! It's just that we don't know anything real about him ... we should maybe get more information.
Chandler: Alright! Just follow my lead!
Zack: You guys have such a great place here.
Chandler: Oh! Thanks, I'm crazy about our place.
Chandler: Hey! speaking of crazy ... do you have a history of mental illness in the family?
Zack: Uhm ... no. Although I did have an uncle who voted for Dukakis.
Chandler: That's really not the kind of thing we are looking for Zack.
Zack: Okaaay ... so eh ... so tell me, how'd you guys meet.
Monica: Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you know the story.
Monica: I've got a better question for you: Do you or any of your blood relatives have diabetes?
Monica: Eh ... Heart Disease, Alzheimer disease, gout?
Zack: You guys don't have people for dinner a lot, huh?
Monica: We're just making conversation.
Zack: Yeah, well, ok. I heard a joke today. It's pretty funny ...
Chandler: You know what's not funny? Male Pattern Baldness.
Zack: All right listen, you guys have shown a lot of interest in me tonight and I'm flattered and ... and quite frankly a little frightened.
Zack: Can we just talk about something else?
Monica and Chandler: Sure! Alright.
Zack: Ravioli is delicious!
Chandler: I noticed you were enjoying that Ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth.
Chandler: Did you have braces as a child?
Zack: No I didn't.
Chandler: We're teeth people Zack!
Rachel: Alright! Let's just do it. Let's just go over there and to see if she heard.
Phoebe: Good plan.
Rachel: Ok. Wha ... ? where? Where're you going?
Phoebe: Oh! I'm sorry Rachel, I don't have time for your childish games, ok?
Phoebe: I still have to go find something incredible to wear so I can beat Mike at "who's more over who"!
Rachel: Hey, hi! Hey, where've you been?
Charlie: Oh! trying on clothes.
Rachel: Oh! Wi ... in the dres ... in the dressing room? !
Rachel: Well, that's so weird! Phoebe and I were just trying on clothes in the dressing room. Gosh it's just such a small world!
Charlie: Rachel ... I heard you two guys whispering.
Rachel: Oh God. You did. You heard. Ok, listen, let me explain.
Charlie: No! There's nothing to explain. I heard you.
Charlie: Phoebe likes Joey.
Charlie: I just ... I don't understand it. I mean, Phoebe likes Joey and she comes here to buy a dress to impress another guy?
Rachel: Yeah! Yeah! That's Phoebe. That's Phoebe.
Rachel: You know, she just wants them all! It's like she's a nympho!
Rachel: Yeah ...
Charlie: You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything.
Charlie: Thanks for sticking up for me. And you are such a nice person.
Rachel: I try ...
Ross: Oh my God! You really want me to be the keynote speaker?
Ross: Thank you!
Prof. Sherman: You're welcome.
Joey: Wow! You look ... stop-eating hot!
Joey: Which is like the highest level of hotness!
Phoebe: Ok. Are you sure? Cause I'm really dreading going to this party.
Joey: Then don't go!
Phoebe: Mike knows I'm coming, and if I don't show up he'll think it's cause of him!
Phoebe: And then I will lose face! That's a very serious thing in my culture.
Joey: Alright, then you go to that party and you-you pretend to be over Mike.
Joey: And afterward you come to my place and I'll get you good and drunk!
Phoebe: You got it! Ok.
Phoebe: But-but not on the wine that you made, ok?
Phoebe: Cause, I just don't wanna go back to the Emergency Room.
David: I'm sorry, I-I don't, I don't seem to have quite enough cash.
David: Um, you wouldn't accept rubles, would you? This is a hundred thousand ruble note, which is worth, approximately, nothing.
David: Phoebe! Hi!
Phoebe: Oh my God!
David: Hi. Wow, you-you look unbelievable.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, well.
Phoebe: What-what're you doing here?
David: Well, I'm-I'm back from Minsk ... uh, permanently.
Phoebe: What-what happened?
David: Well, remember how I was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles?
David: Well, after eight years of research I discovered, that it-it can't be done.
Phoebe: Wow, I'm sorry.
David:It's all right. This kind of thing happens all the time in science. To people who base 8 years of research on a typo in a scientific journal.
Phoebe: Well, great that you're back! How are you?
David: Good, good, life is good.
David: Ah well, I'm-I'm, I'm uh, I'm seeing someone.
Phoebe: Oh, good-good for you.
David: She-she's also a scientist, so she's very smart and-and pretty and ... well, it's actually because of you, really, that we're together, I-I mean, I saw what you had with that Mike guy, and I just said "Boy, I want that".
Phoebe: Mike and I broke up.
David: You're kidding me.
David: Because I'm-I'm-I'm not seeing anybody, I just totally made that up.
David: Yeah, I-I don't know why, I'm sorry, I guess I just didn't wanna lose face.
Phoebe: I understand.
Phoebe: Yeah. Ok. So, then, ok, so we're both living in New York, not seeing anyone. That's so not like us.
David: Yeah, I know. Well ... well this is probably a stupid question, seeing that you look like that, but, do you have some place that you need to be right now?
Phoebe: Well ... no.
David: Do you wanna get a drink?
Phoebe: I'd love to.
David: Do-do you smell beets?
Phoebe: Oh, all right, stay upwind of me.
Charlie: Hey, there's Phoebe! Is that Mike she's with?
Rachel: No, that's David.
Charlie: There's a third guy?
Rachel: Tip of the iceberg.
Zack: I'm gonna take off now. You're gonna let me go home, aren't you?
Chandler: You sure you don't wanna stick around a little longer?
Zack: No, no, I should get home, I'm kinda tired.
Chandler: Are you just tired now, or are you always tired, 'cause that could be a sign of clinical depression.
Zack: No it's just tiring having to figure out the age at which all my grandparents died.
Zack: I'll see you tomorrow.
Chandler: I think we've found our sperm!
Monica: Does seem pretty perfect.
Chandler: Yeah, you think so, well? Should I ask him?
Chandler: Why not, just because his great-grandmother was obese, our kids are gonna get that from you anyway!
Monica: No, that's not it.
Monica: It's just that when we were asking him all those questions before, I just ... I just realized I don't care if he's the most perfect guy in the world ... he's not you.
Chandler: Yeah, he's better!
Monica: No, he's not.
Monica: And if I can't get pregnant with you, then I don't wanna get pregnant by ... him or anyone else.
Chandler: Really? Are you sure?
Monica: Yeah, I'm sure.
Chandler: Thank God, because I don't wanna do this either.
Chandler: You know, I was just doing because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband, I'm supposed to ... bring the sperm.
Monica: That is so sweet.
Monica: I love you.
Chandler: So you know this leaves us with ...
Chandler: How do you feel about that?
Monica: I think I feel ok about it. Actually I-I think I feel really good about it.
Chandler: Me too. I wanna find a baby that needs a home and I wanna raise it with you.
Chandler: An-And I wanna mess it up in our own specific way.
Monica: So, th-this is it, we're, we're really gonna adopt?
Monica: Oh my God, we're gonna be parents!
Chandler: We are gonna be great parents.
Monica: And it could be soon.
Monica: I mean, think about it: right now, somewhere out there, our baby could be being conceived.
Chandler: Wait, if we're lucky, and we're really really really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking!
Chandler: Hey, Zack!
Zack: Hey, Chandler.
Chandler: Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable.
Zack: No, you didn't.
Zack: No you did.
Chandler: Yeah well. My wife and I have some boundary issues, you know, we sometimes, we ask inappropriate questions. We're working on it.
Jeanette: Here're the boards for Friday's pitch.
Zack: Oh, thank you.
Chandler: You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would you?