Friends Season 9 Episode 17: The One with the Memorial Service.
Chandler: Hey! You ready to go?
Ross: Oh yeah, let me just finish this.
Joey: Hey, Ross, check this out!
Joey: Yeah, I can't do that!
Chandler: What're you doing?
Ross: Hey, have you seen this?
Ross: It's a new alumni website for college! It's cool!
Ross: You-you can post messages for people, let everyone know what you're up to.
Chandler: Oh, great, a faster way to tell people that I'm unemployed and childless.
Ross: It's-it's actually kinda interesting to find out what people are doing ... uh, remember Andrea Rich?
Ross: That tall girl that wouldn't sleep with you?
Ross: Uh-huh, uh-huh ... well, her Internet company went under and she lost an ear in a boating accident ...
Chandler: Bet she'd sleep with you now.
Ross: Nah, I already e-mailed her.
Chandler: Let me see what you wrote about yourself.
Chandler: Oh. "Doctor of Paleontology, two kids ... "
Chandler: Wait a second, you split with Carol because you have different interests?
Chandler: I think you split with Carol because you've one very similar interest.
Ross: You know what? I'm gonna finish this later, ok? Let me just grab my coat.
Ross: What, did you think you learned how to do it in the last two minutes? !
Chandler: Maybe we finish this for him!
Chandler: "Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab.
Chandler: She is now my girlfriend.
Chandler: I don't care what society says, it's the best sex I've ever had, and send!
Joey: No, no, no ... what do ... you can't do that to him!
Ross: Alright, let's go!
Ross: Uh, I think you made it clear you can't be trusted with the ball inside the house!
Joey: and send!
Rachel: Hey! How was basketball?
Joey: Oh, it was a lot of fun, yeah, right up until Chandler got a finger in the eye!
Rachel: Oh, no! Who did that?
Joey: Uh, Rach.
Joey: What's Huggsy doing in the crib with Emma?
Rachel: Oh, she was just crawling around and she found him, so I just let her sleep with him.
Rachel: That's all right? Isn't it?
Joey: Oh, of course ... yeah ...
Joey: It's a stuffed animal, you know? It's for kids. Not for adults. I know that.
Rachel: Joey ... are you-you sure? I mean, I know how much you love him!
Joey: Rachel, let's be clear on this, okay?
Joey: I do not love Huggsy. I like him a normal amount.
Rachel: All right. Well, Emma loves him.
Joey: Yeah, why-why wouldn't she? He's a wonderful person!
Monica: Oh hey Phoebe ... How you doing?
Monica: You feeling better?
Phoebe: Breaking up sucks!
Phoebe: Oh, I really miss Mike!
Chandler: Oh, I'm so sorry!
Phoebe: Oh God, I've tried everything to make myself feel better. I even tried writing a song about it. but,
Phoebe: I can't think of anything that rhymes with Aarrgghh!
Monica: God, I so know how you feel. Aw, breaking up with Richard was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
Monica: All right fine, I'll put another dollar in the Richard jar.
Phoebe: Hey Monica, I'm gonna need your help getting through this.
Chandler: You're not gonna need my help?
Phoebe: Well no, when I get to the point where ... you know ... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike ... I'm gonna come to you.
Chandler: Ok, 'cause I've already thought of 3 ... 4! I've just thought of a fourth
Phoebe: Ok. I mean I know I did the right thing.
Phoebe: You know, Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future ... but ... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much. I'm gonna wanna see him again and you have to stop me from doing that.
Monica: Ok, you got it.
Phoebe: Unless ... Maybe it's too crazy about this ...
Phoebe: Alright so ... you know, there is no future ... but that doesn't mean we still can't have fun.
Phoebe: You know what? Forget what I said.
Phoebe: Alright, that's what you want.
Phoebe: That was a test and you just failed.
Monica: Damn it! Rookie mistake!
Ross: I have sex with dinosaurs? !
Chandler: I believe I read that somewhere!
Ross: Not only it is not funny, it's' physically impossible! Ok?
Ross: Depending on the species I'd have to have a six foot long ... It's not funny!
Chandler: I respectfully disagree.
Ross: I can't believe you put that on my alumni page!
Chandler: Who cares? Nobody reads those things.
Ross: Huh? You'd better hope not because I just read what you put on your page today.
Chandler: I don't have a page.
Ross: Oh oh oh! I respectfully disagree!
Joey: Huggsy? Huggsy? Huggsy.
Joey: I want my penguin.
Joey: Look at you. All sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel.
Joey: With Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around you.
Joey: It's okay, Emma. You stay asleep.
Rachel: Step away from the crib, I have a weapon!
Joey: It's ok, it's ok Rach, it's me. Put down the scrunchy.
Rachel: What're you doing?
Joey: well, I heard Emma stirring. so I came in to make sure she could reach Huggsy.
Rachel: Oh, oh thanks. Alright well, now that I'm up I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Joey: Ok, there you go sweetie ... This isn't over!
Monica: Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as ... "gay as the day is long"?
Chandler: Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.
Monica: But it's clearly a joke. This could easily be true.
Chandler: Would you get that please? People've been calling to congratulate me all day. Hello?
Chandler: No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife.
Chandler: Yeah, well, it came as quite a shock to me too.
Chandler: Well, I guess I should've known. Yeah, I mean, he just kept making me watch Moulin Rouge.
Chandler: Hang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! I'm so gonna get back at Ross ... oh yeah, this will show him, here we go.
Monica: What're you doing?
Chandler: Oh, you'll see my friend.
Ross: I'm dead?
Chandler: And so young.
Ross: Posting that I died? That really isn't funny.
Chandler: Well, how you died was funny.
Ross: Oh please, hit by a blimp?
Chandler: It kills over one Americans every year.
Ross: Unbelievable, my classmates are gonna think I'm dead, my professors, my ... my parents are gonna get phone calls, you're messing with people's feelings here.
Chandler: You wanna talk about people's feelings? You should've heard how hurt professor Stern was yesterday when I told him I wouldn't be able to go with him to Key West!
Ross: You've really crossed the line here, but that's ok, it's ok 'cause I'm on my way to buy some Photoshop software and a stack of gay porn.
Chandler: That's right! Your coming out is about to get real graphic!
Phoebe: Oh, God, I wish Mike were here.
Monica: Ok, if Mike were here what would the two of you be doing?
Monica: What're you, animals? It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon!
Phoebe: I gotta call him. Just-just to talk to him, there's no harm in that.
Monica: Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing ... why don't I just eat a little sliver, or, ok, just a-a slice or two.
Phoebe: And-and next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the jaws of life.
Monica: That's not true, is it?
Phoebe: They had to cut me out ... with the Jaws of Life. Look, Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard.
Monica: But look, if you talk to him, then you're gonna wanna see him.
Monica: And if you see him, you're gonna wanna get back together with him.
Monica: I know that's not what you want. All right, so give me your phone. All right, so give me your phone.
Monica: And now your cell.
Phoebe: Here you go.
Monica: This is your cellphone?
Monica: This is your current cellphone?
Phoebe: Yes, it reminds me of a simpler time.
Monica: Phoebe, where's your purse?
Monica: No, no!
Monica: Give it to me!
Phoebe: You can't have it.
Monica: Give it to me!
Monica: I'll go in there.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
Monica: Phoebe come here.
Monica: Give it to me!
Phoebe: you are crazy.
Phoebe: Damn you Monica Geller hyphen Bing!
Monica: Don't, even, think, sneaking out and use a pay phone. Because I am everywhere, baby!
Joey: Hey, look who's here! It's Joey, and he brought home a friend.
Rachel: Joey, Emma's right here! You promised not to bring girls home in the middle of the day anymore.
Joey: No-no-no-no, it's not a girl, it's ... a brand new Hugsy!
Rachel: Ohh ... that's so great, now Emma has two Hugsies.
Joey: No, no, no, no-no, Emma has one Hugsy, the new Hugsy, huh?
Joey: The other Hugsy, I don't know, I guess I'll just take it back.
Rachel: Oh, you know what? When I was a little girl, I had a little pink pony named Cotton.
Rachel: Oh, I loved her so much, I took her everywhere, I would braid her tail…
Joey: Make the transfer!
Rachel: Now, should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Hugsy and I can't find it?
Joey: Oh, no, don't worry about that, I swallowed that years ago.
Rachel: Oh what? I don't think she likes the new Hugsy.
Joey: But he's the same.
Rachel: Yeah, well I think she wants the old one back.
Joey: Yeah, But he's the same.
Rachel: Joey, come on!
Joey: But he's the same!
Joey: You're not the same!
Phoebe: You know, it's a lot less surprising to do that after I've buzzed you into the building.
Monica: So Phoebe, why are there men's shoes by the door.
Phoebe: Those are my shoes.
Monica: Oh, when you get over this breakup we need to go shopping.
Phoebe: Look, Monica, I really appreciate you checking in on me, but I'm actually feeling a lot better.
Monica: You are?
Phoebe: Yeah, I kinda, I just kinda wanna be alone right now.
Monica: Who's that?
Phoebe: I ordered Chinese food.
Phoebe: What're the chances?
Phoebe: What're the chances? 1 billion Chinese people and they send Mike?
Monica: What're you doing here?
Mike: Phoebe called me.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I broke down, I wanted to see him.
Monica: Not on my watch! Damn it Phoebe! How-how did you even call him?
Monica: There's a speakerphone on the base unit. Base unit. Think, Monica, think!
Mike: Can I come in?
Monica: No! No.
Monica: Phoebe, isn't seeing Mike exactly what you wanted me to stop you from doing?
Mike: But, Phoebe wants to see me, and i want to see her.
Monica: This doesn't concern you!
Mike: Sorry. I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name.
Monica: Look, guys, you can't do this, it's just gonna make getting over each other that much harder.
Phoebe: Not if nothing happens. Why can't, why can't we just hang out as friends?
Monica: Well sure! If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then-then maybe I'll join ya.
Monica: You know, I'm your friend and Mike's friend.
Phoebe: Sit down.
Monica: Oh, wow wow wow wow wow! Make room for your friend!
Mike: So how've you been?
Monica: I've been pretty good.
Mike: You look really beautiful.
Phoebe: Thanks, you look good too.
Monica: Oh, no no no no, this is dangerous territory. Keep it clean!
Phoebe: So how's the piano playing going?
Mike: Actually I've been playing a lot of love songs lately.
Mike: I've missed you.
Phoebe: I've missed you too.
Monica: You know, on the way over here, I saw this drunk guy throw up.
Monica: And then a pigeon ate it!
Chandler: Hey, Ross, look, I just wanted to apologize ... don't tell me you actually made those gay pictures of me?
Ross: Uh-huh uh-huh, check this out.
Chandler: Huh! So, that's what I would look like if I worked out ... and was being serviced by a policeman.
Chandler: You're not actually gonna send these out, are ya?
Ross: Eh ... actually no, I don't need to, because your little "Ross is dead" joke didn't work,
Ross: ok, there were no responses.
Ross: Nobody posted anything on the website, nobody called my parents, so the joke, my friend, is on you.
Ross: Nobody called, nobody wrote anything, nobody cares that I'm dead.
Ross: Oh my God! Nobody cares that I'm dead? !
Chandler: Oh, come on, you know that's not true.
Ross: What're you talking about? You get sixty responses just for coming out of the closet!
Ross: I didn't get one response! And I'm dead!
Chandler: Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community.
Ross: I can't believe this. Not even my geology lab partner? And I carried that guy!
Chandler: Alright look, let's think about this, ok, do you really think that people are gonna stir up your family at this tragic time? That people are gonna post condolences on a website?
Chandler: This is not about people not caring that you're dead.
Chandler: This is about people not having a decent outlet for their grief.
Ross: You're right. There isn't a decent outlet.
Chandler: Right, I mean, come on, I'm sure if you had a funeral or a memorial service, tons of people would come.
Chandler: Ross, what're you, what're you, what're you doing?
Chandler: You're having a memorial service for yourself? !
Ross: No! That would be stupid! You're having it for me!
Chandler: Ross, don't press send, don't press send ... !
Ross: Oh, too late, too late! It's sent.
Chandler: Oh, sorry, so is the picture of you and the policeman.
Chandler: That's all right. I'm tan, limber ... And it looks like I talked my way out of that ticket.
Joey: The surgery was not a success, and then you say "What're we gonna do, Drake?"
Joey: Uh ... Come in.
Rachel: I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap, have you seen Hugsy?
Joey: Original or crappy?
Joey: No, sorry, haven't seen him.
Rachel: Then what's that big lump under your covers?
Joey: It's Monica, ok?
Rachel: That's not Monica!
Joey: Alright! Fine! It's original Hugsy!
Joey: You know, I know Emma wants him but he's mine and I need him ... she's been unreasonable.
Rachel: Oh God.
Rachel: Joey, there is a reason that Emma loves that stupid penguin so much!
Rachel: Oh don't cover its ears!
Rachel: It's because it reminds her of her uncle Joey!
Joey: It does?
Rachel: And I think she really likes him because he smells like you. And she ... She loves that. Go figure.
Rachel: You know? And I think she's comforted by him because she loves her uncle Joey so much.
Joey: Really? She ... she loves me?
Rachel: Oh, yeah!
Rachel: But you know what? If you need Hugsy, don't worry.
Rachel: Emma will totally understand. I won't ... but whatever.
Joey: Ok, wait wait wait wait a minute, wait a minute, Rach, I mean if, if ...
Joey: If Hugsy means that much to Emma then ... well she can have him.
Rachel: Oooh ... oh sweet, I knew uncle Joey would step up.
Joey: Look Emma, look who's baaack!
Joey: Forget it, forget it ... I can't do it.
Rachel: Are you gonna ... you're gonna take Hugsy away from a little child?
Joey: How do you think I got him in the first place?
Monica: I mean, and then it just gobbled up that puke. I mean, tha was one gross pigeon.
Phoebe: Oh man, why didn't I ask Joey to keep us apart?
Phoebe: You throw a meatball in the hallway, we'd be doing it like rabbits right now.
Monica: Alright you two, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Monica: Now I don't want anything going on while I'm gone.
Monica: Here's a few things you can discuss: mucus, fungus and the idea of me and Ross doing it.
Mike: I've missed you so much!
Mike: No, I'm not gonna ask you to get back together because I know we want different things, but,
Mike: Just be with you one more time!
Phoebe: I know, I want that too, but is that gonna make it too hard?
Mike: It can't be any harder than this ...
Mike: I mean, If I'd known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I ...
Mike: I would've stopped to memorize your face, the way you moved, Everything about you.
Mike: If I'd known the last time I kissed you would've been the last time ... I never would've stopped.
Monica: Kiss him, you fool!
Monica: Didn't you hear that speech? If you don't kiss him then I will!
Phoebe: Oh, I missed you so much!
Strange man: I knew you'd be here!
Mike: Oh, crap!
Phoebe: Who-who is this?
Mike: My friend Manny. I asked him to keep me away from you.
Monica: Hi, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe!
Manny: Well, you are not doing a very good job!
Monica: Excuse me?
Manny: What's with the kissing?
Monica: Hey, at least I knew where my guy was.
Manny: Oh yeah, yeah, thank God you were here to oversee all the kissing!
Monica: You didn't hear the speech!
Manny: I've heard the speech: "if he knew it was gonna be the last time he saw her ... "
Monica: Hey, it was very moving! You're just heartless!
Manny: You're weak!
Monica: You're ... weird!
Manny: Your pants are undone!
Manny: Where'd they go?
Monica: Uh, damn it!
Manny: Oh we blew it. I blame myself.
Monica: And I blame you too.
Ross: It's been an hour and not one of my classmates has shown up!
Ross: I tell you, when I actually die some people are gonna get seriously haunted!
Chandler: There you go! Someone came!
Ross: Ok, ok! I'm-I'm gonna go hide!
Ross: Oh, this is so exciting, my first mourner!
Monica: Hi, glad you could come.
Chandler: Please come in.
Tom: Hi, you're Chandler Bing, right?
Tom: I'm Tom Gordon, I-I was in your class.
Chandler: Oh yes, yes ... let me ... take your coat.
Tom: Thanks ... uh ... I'm-I'm so sorry about Ross, it's ...
Chandler: At least he died doing what he loved ... watching blimps
Ross: Who is he?
Chandler: Some guy, Tom Gordon.
Ross: I don't remember him, but then again I touched so many lives.
Monica: So, did you know Ross well?
Tom: Oh, actually I barely knew him. Yeah, I came because I heard Chandler's news, you know if he's seeing anyone?
Monica: Yes, he is. Me.
Tom: What? You ... You ... Oh!
Tom: Oh, can I ask you a personal question? How-how do you shave your beard so close?
Chandler: Ok Tommy, that's enough mourning for you! Here we go, bye-bye! All right.
Tom: All right, all right Hey, listen. Call me.
Ross: I'm dead and no one cares?
Monica: I look like a man?
Chandler: Please, one ridiculous problem at a time!
Ross: This isn't ridiculous, look around! No one's here!
Chandler: You gave them one day's notice, not everyone in our class checks the website everyday and Monica ... it's probably the way you stand!
Ross: Yes, you're right. Still, somebody must've seen it ...
Ross: I mean, I went to that school for 4 years, I didn't have an impact on anyone?
Chandler: Oh, that's not true. You had an impact on me, I mean, it's 15 years later and we're still best friends.
Chandler: Doesn't that count for something?
Ross: Oh, great. More party boys for Chandler!
Chandler: I'm sure it's somebody for you. Now, go hide.
Kori: Hi. I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service.
Chandler: Kori? Kori Weston?
Chandler: Wow! You look amazing!
Kori: And you are?
Chandler: Chandler, Chandler Bing. And I'm not gay, I'm not gay at all.
Monica: You are married though.
Chandler: Don't listen to him, he's in a really bad mood!
Kori: I can't believe that Ross is gone. It is just so sad.
Chandler: I didn't know Ross and you were so close.
Kori: Oh, we weren't but we had one class together. He was such a great guy
Kori: And he talked so passionately about science. I always remembered him.
Chandler: I'm sure that would mean a lot to him.
Chandler: And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently.
Kori: I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out.
Kori: I guess I really missed my chance.
Ross: But you didn't!
Ross: I'm still alive!
Chandler: Who did we bury?
Ross: Kori, I-I know this is a big surprise for you. It's a long story but the things you just said really made my day!
Ross: I mean, the fact that you are here means more to me than-than if this room were filled with people!
Kori: You sick freak, who does that?
Kori: I can't believe I had a crush on you!
Ross: Did you hear that? Kori Weston had a crush on me!
Ross: No, mum, I am not dead.
Ross: No, I know it's not something to kid about.
Ross: Oh. it was just a practical joke between Chandler and me, but it's over, ok?
Ross: Actually no, even if I had died, you would not be left childless.