Aug. 26, 2019, 2:49 a.m.

Friends Season 9 Episode 16: The One with the Boob Job.

Rachel: She's crawling! Emma's crawling!
Joey: He's bleeding! Joey's bleeding!
Rachel: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Honey, you've gotta come see this. I'm gonna go get Monica and Chandler.
Rachel: Monica! Chandler! Monica! Chandler! Monica! Chandler! Come over! Come over! Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!
Chandler: What? What?
Joey: Hey, shaving?
Chandler: No, rabies.
Monica: Hey, what's going on?
Rachel: It's Emma, she's crawling.
Chandler: Wow, look at her go.
Rachel: Well, give her a second.
Rachel: Joey, Joey.
Joey: Oh, hey! Sorry.
Chandler: I can't believe how fast she's growing up. I mean, It seems like only yesterday she was ... farting on my lap.
Monica: Not so funny when someone does it to you, is it?
Rachel: Oh Emma, come on. Show everybody how you were crawling.
Everyone: Come on, Emma.
Rachel: Oh you know what? I think we probably just distracted her. Let's everybody be still for just a minute.
Phoebe: Who's painting us?
Chandler: Have you see our bank statement? Can this be right?
Monica: I know ... God. I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this since I was a kid and they came up with Double Stuf Oreos.
Monica: What happened to all of our money?
Chandler: Well, I'm not sure exactly what they did.
Chandler: But I'm inclined to blame Enron.
Monica: I guess with you doing the internship, we're just spending more than we're bringing in.
Chandler: Yeah, maybe I should quit and get a job that pays.
Monica: Oh ... But you're finally doing something that you love! I mean, I can't ask you to give that up.
Monica: Although it'd be nice if the thing that you love was ... you know ... finding gold.
Chandler: You know what? You know what? I think we're making too big a deal out of this,
Chandler: OK? So we pay our bills a little late this month. And maybe uh next month we cut back on a few things.
Chandler: And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refridgerator for a change.
Chandler: You're a chef ... what can you make out of baking soda and beer?
Monica: All right, worst case scenario is ... we borrow some money from my parents.
Monica: Or, you slipped on some ice at their house last month. Can we sue them?
Chandler: No! And we're not borrowing money.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because we don't do that. We are Bings!
Monica: And there's one thing my father taught me was ... well to always knock before going into the pool house.
Monica: But the other thing is, never borrow money.
Monica: Wow I had no idea you had this much pride.
Chandler: That's right, I do. I am your man. I'm gonna get us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard.
Mike: You know, it's just really weird.
Mike: You don't like eating animals, but you love watching them tear each other apart.
Phoebe: No, I don't, I don't. Get him. Get him! Separate the sick one from the herd!
Mike: I'm gonna go.
Phoebe: Why?
Mike: I haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get some more clothes.
Phoebe: Oh ...
Phoebe: You don't have to go ... I have something that will fit you.
Mike: I put that tube top on as a joke.
Phoebe: I want you to stay.
Mike: I want to stay too, but I've got about as much out of these boxers as I can.
Phoebe: Why don't you turn them inside?
Mike: Done it.
Phoebe: I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Phoebe: I'll miss you.
Mike: Me too.
Phoebe: Oh, fine. Yeah, you got away. Don't look so smug. You're gonna bleed to death.
Mike: You know what? I just realized something. I don't wanna go home.
Phoebe: Great! Ok ... I'll go get the tube top.
Mike: No, no! What I mean is ... I-I hate going back to my apartment now ...
Mike: And partly because I live above a known crack den but ... you know, mostly because when I'm there ... I ... I just ... I really miss you. So ... Do you wanna move in together?
Phoebe: Wow ... Mike Hannigan, you sure know how to make a girl say "Hell yeah!".
Mike: So we're doing it?
Phoebe: Yeah! Let's do it! Let's live together!
Phoebe: Wow, we're really gonna move in together!
Mike: Yeah!
Phoebe: I've always wanted to live with a guy ...
Phoebe: "Pick up your socks!""Put down the toilet seat!""No! We're not having sex anymore!"
Phoebe: It's gonna be fun!
Joey: Shame on you, TV Guide. A man's ass is not nudity.
Monica: Hey Joey!
Joey: Hey!
Monica: Listen, I-I need to know that, what I'm about to ask you, will never get back to Chandler.
Joey: I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it myself.
Joey: Chandler is my best friend ... It would be wrong. Good. But wrong.
Monica: Ok, first of all, it would be great.
Monica: But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about, Ok? I-I need to borrow some money.
Joey: Awww, I don't know, Monica. You know ... erm ... lending friends money is always a mistake.
Monica: But Chandler lent you money!
Joey: And I think he would tell you it was a mistake.
Monica: Come on, I just, I need it for some rent and-and some other bills.
Joey: Oh. Well-uh, well how much?
Monica: Two thousand dollars?
Joey: Two thousand dollars! ?
Joey: What do you think I am, a soap opera star?
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: That's right I am!
Monica: Ok. Well promise me you'll never tell Chandler, it really hurts his pride.
Joey: Chandler? Pride?
Monica: I know. He thinks he has it. It's really cute.
Rachel: Hi, you guys!
Joey & Monica: Hey!
Joey: Ooh ... what's in the bag?
Rachel: Oh er ... well you know Emma started crawling?
Rachel: I realized that this place, is very unsafe for a baby.
Rachel: So, I went to the store and I got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment.
Joey: Oh, God, baby-proofing ...
Joey: Why is it such a big deal now? You know, when I was a kid, it was like:
Joey: "Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" "Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Huh!
Monica: Anyway, uhm ... Are you going to get a handyman to install this stuff?
Rachel: No. I was just gonna do it myself.
Joey: You're gonna do it?
Rachel: Yeah ... Why?
Rachel: You don't think a woman can do this?
Joey: Oh ... Women can. You ... can't.
Rachel: Monica, will you please tell Joey that he is a pig?
Monica: You're a pig. And you can't do this. Rachel: Wha! ?
Rachel: What! ? Come on! I found the hardware store all by myself!
Joey: The hardware store is right down the street.
Rachel: There is a hardware store right down the street?
Phoebe: Ok, you guys! Ok, we've got great news.
Mike: Phoebe and I are moving in together.
Monica & Chandler & Ross: Congratulations! That's good news. Great!
Phoebe: I know, it's so exciting! You know, I've never lived with a guy before, you know.
Monica: Well you know it's just like living with a girl. Only-only they don't steal your makeup.
Monica: Unless they're playing "This is what my sister would look like".
Chandler: Yeah, she's not so cute.
Mike: I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Phoebe: OK, will you put down the toilet seat!
Mike: Yes, dear.
Monica: Oh, is that a bit you guys do?
Phoebe: Uh huh, we're playing you two.
Monica: We don't do that! Tell her we don't do that!
Chandler: Yes, dear.
Ross: I can't believe you guys are moving in together. That's, that's great. I'm happy for you guys. I mean he's a great catch and those eyes.
Ross: I'm a scientist. I observe.
Monica: Oh gosh, it's so exciting.
Monica: You guys are really moving along. I mean I think I hear wedding bells.
Phoebe: Monica slow down! Ok? I'm just excited to be living with him.
Phoebe: You know, I mean, I don't know, can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure. Yeah.
Phoebe: You know, I could picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way.
Phoebe: But do I want that house in Connecticut, you know, near the good schools where Mike and I could send Sophie and Mike Junior ...
Phoebe: Oh my god, I do.
Ross: Phoebe ... I had no idea you were so conventional.
Phoebe: I know! I guess I am!
Phoebe: Oh my god! Load up the Volvo I wanna be a soccer mom!
Mike: You ready to go?
Phoebe: Yeah! You bet roomie!
Monica: Don't you mean ... groomy?
Chandler: Honey, leave the terrible jokes to me.
Mike: What're you talking about?
Phoebe: Oh please, these guys, we haven't even moved in yet and they have us picking out china patterns.
Rachel: China patterns!
Rachel: This is easy ... "Can't do this!"
Rachel: Wow, seriously. Can't do this.
Chandler: Hey! Joe!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: You're here with somebody?
Joey: No.
Chandler: Look uh, I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica anything about it.
Joey: I thought you didn't have secrets from Monica.
Chandler: And that would remain the official party line.
Chandler: Look, Monica and I are having a little financial trouble.
Joey: Yeah ... I know.
Chandler: What? How do you know?
Joey: Er ... I just figured it out! You know ...
Joey: I mean you're not working and the economy is bad.
Chandler: Oh! Right.
Joey: It's the fastest I have ever thought!
Chandler: Anyway, er ... I need to borrow some money.
Joey: Oh! Sure, yeah. How much? Two thousand dollars?
Chandler: Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that?
Joey: Er ... Well I uh ... I know how much you used to make ... And I know how much your rent is.
Chandler: Oh ok.
Joey: I am on fire!
Chandler: Listen, this is really nice.
Chandler: Di... Did you write a cheque to Monica for two thousand dollars?
Chandler: Did Monica borrow money from you?
Joey: Er ... Kind of.
Chandler: I can't believe her!
Chandler: Did she tell you we were having money problems?
Joey: Oh no no no no no ... It wasn't ... It wasn't because of your money problems ... It was for something ... for her.
Chandler: What?
Joey: Something personal.
Chandler: What would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me about?
Woman: Excuse me.
Joey: Boob job.
Chandler: What? That's ridiculous, she doesn't need a boob job!
Chandler: Why wouldn't she tell me about it?
Joey: Uh ... she was afraid that you woudln't be supportive.
Chandler: I'm not.
Joey: Yeah, well, she knows you well, you can't tell her that you know, I swore I woudln't tell ya.
Chandler: Oh, Boob job? She doens't need that, this is crazy!
Joey: Well it's ... It's not that crazy. Ok?
Joey: Making them smaller, that would be crazy.
Phoebe: Hey, so where do you keep your secret box of porn?
Mike: I don't have any porn ...
Mike: Back of the closet in my bedroom.
Mike: Oh hey, I-I wanted to ask you about Monica's little "groomy" joke.
Phoebe: Oh! Alright. Well I think the reason people laughed is becuase it's a play on the word roomie.
Mike: No, I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was, the thing I wanna say is ... uh, maybe we should've talked about this before.
Mike: Us living together. You're not expecting a proposal, right?
Phoebe: Oh no! No! Not at all. We're just moving in, right now. See where it goes.
Mike: Yeah, well ... that's the thing. For me it's ... as far as it can ever go.
Phoebe: What'd you mean?
Mike: Look. Phoebe ... I ... I love you. Very much. But I never wanna get married again.
Phoebe: Oh. Wow.
Mike: Now, it's just, my first marriage was ... you know ... such a disaster that I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.
Phoebe: Hmm. Was it really that bad?
Mike: At one point near the end she deliberately defecated on.
Phoebe: Okay, well, that's bad. Yeah.
Phoebe: But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps, a blonde who always uses a toilet.
Phoebe: Except for once in the ocean.
Mike: Look it's, it's not about who I would marry.
Mike: And I was certain the first time I got married it would last forever. And I was totally wrong!
Phoebe: But it's just...
Mike: Look Phoebe ... It's, it's not about you. I just never wanna get married again.
Phoebe: Oh!
Mike: I'm sorry. Are you ok with that?
Mike: Because if not ... maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea.
Phoebe: No! Oh, I definitely don't wanna get married.
Phoebe: Now I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to, too. Whew! Cause you know when we move in ... and you start changing your mind ... there's gonna be hell to pay mister!
Mike: Trust me, I will never.
Phoebe: Yeah I get that, yeah.
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: Hi! So you gave in and decided to call someone?
Rachel: Yeah ... I don't know who I was kidding. I can barely use chopsticks.
Handyman: You're all set.
Rachel: Oh thank you so much. Oh oh wait! You uh forgot your erm ... Your game. Thank you.
Monica: Rach, Is this my sweater?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: What happened to the sleeve? Moths?
Chandler: Hey Rach! There she is ... My perfectly proportioned wife.
Rachel: Don't look at me, I never get his jokes.
Monica: Thank you?
Chandler: No no, don't thank me.
Chandler: Thank you. Do you know there's not one thing that I would change about you? Not one single thing! And definitely not ... two ... single things.
Monica: Ok, you're being weird. Do you want sex or did you do something bad?
Chandler: No no no! I just love the way you look ... I am warm ... for your form.
Monica: Ok, um, you know the old classics, like, you know, "You look nice"? They're still ok.
Chandler: Well yes yes, but you look nice can mean that I'm saying that your face looks nice. I want to compliment your body. I mean ... I wouldn't change it ... At all.
Chandler: And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger.
Monica: Ok.
Chandler: I mean ... you wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that.
Rachel: Just when you thought that dude couldn't get any weirder.
Monica: I know, why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger?
Rachel: I don't know! I mean ... what brought that on?
Monica: Oh my God. Oh my God, you know we're trying to get pregnant so he's probably starting to freak out about the fact that my body is gonna change.
Rachel: No ... you really think that's what it is?
Monica: You heard him!
Monica: "No bigger!" "You're perfect!" "Just don't get any bigger!"
Monica: Oh my God he sounded just like my high school wrestling coach.
Monica: I'm gonna have to talk to Chandler. Rachel: Yeah. If you don't, I will. Of course your body's gonna change.
Rachel: Your breasts are gonna get bigger. . your ass is gonna get bigger ... you're gonna lose bladder control.
Rachel: God! It's just such a magical time!
Phoebe: Hi.
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen, I wanted to ask you something about marriage.
Ross: Oh great now you're seeking me out to make jokes?
Ross: I mean I can see for all hanging out but to come to my home!
Phoebe: No, I really wanted to know how you feel about it.
Ross: Why?
Phoebe: Mike doesn't ever wanna get married.
Phoebe: Never?
Ross: Never.
Ross: Wow, are you-you still gonna move in with him?
Phoebe: Oh I want to, but, I just want you to tell me that marriage really isn't that big a deal.
Phoebe: You know, that I won't, I won't be missing out on anything. That marriage stinks!
Ross: Yeah ... marriage ... stinks!
Ross: I mean if you wanna see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving? Get 'em married.
Phoebe: That's not how you really feel, is it?
Ross: No, I'm sorry.
Ross: Look I-I know it's not what you wanna hear right now but I can't help it. I-I love marriage.
Phoebe: Seriously? You divorce-o?
Ross: If you have to call me a name, I prefer Ross the Divorcer. It's just cooler.
Ross: Look, look, I know my marriages didn't exactly work out. But,
Ross: you know, I-I love to be that committed to another person. And Carol and I had some good times before she became a lesbian!
Ross: And once afterward.
Ross: Anyway, I-I'm sorry.
Phoebe: Uh, it's ok, that's how you feel.
Phoebe: But, come on, I mean, living together will be great. I mean, you guys have so much fun. And you love Mike.
Phoebe: I do love Mike.
Ross: Yeah, see?
Ross: And you are so excited about moving in together before ... and you know? You should be. It's a big deal!
Phoebe: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Phoebe: Yeah, thanks. This helped. Thanks.
Phoebe: The Divorcer to the rescue.
Phoebe: It's not cooler.
Ross: Yeah I just heard it.
Joey: Rach? !
Joey: Rachel! ?
Joey: So I can't do anything I like? !
Rachel: Unbelievable.
Rachel: Chandler wants you to have a baby, and he doesn't want your body to get any bigger. I mean, it's not like he's so perfect.
Monica: Hey, that's my husband.
Rachel: All right, let's solve one problem a time.
Chandler: Hey Rach! Ah ...
Chandler: Perfection. Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing.
Monica: Honey?
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: About that? Erm ...
Monica: I'm going to change.
Chandler: Yes, but honey, you, you don't have to.
Monica: I'm gonna get bigger.
Chandler: Honey, I...
Chandler: I love your breasts the way they are.
Rachel: Argh. Fascist.
Monica: Well, my breasts are gonna get bigger whether you like it or not!
Monica: And-and you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is gonna get bigger too.
Chandler: your ass? !
Rachel: Man, don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too!
Chandler: They ... Do that?
Monica: It's kind of a package deal!
Chandler: God, why, why would you wanna do that to yourself! ?
Monica: I thought I was something that we both wanted!
Chandler: Alright look, if it means that much to you, I may be able to get on aboard with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet?
Rachel: Oh my god Chandler!
Rachel: If you can't handle this, what are you gonna be like in the hospital? with the blood and screaming and the little person that's shooting out of her?
Chandler: What?
Rachel: Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?
Joey: Because she is!
Monica: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.
Joey: Mmmm hmm! For your boob job!
Monica & Rachel & Chandler: Joe! Stop it. It's over.
Joey: OK so I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?
Ross: Hey! Hey, what'd you guys think about this. Ross. The Divorce-Force.
Phoebe: Better.
Ross: Yeah?
Mike: Very cool.
Ross: Hey Pheebs ... You know I'm-I'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I was a little helpful.
Phoebe: Oh yeah you were helpful! Yeah, no, thanks you.
Ross: Good, good.
Ross: Yeah 'cause the more I thought about it, the more I realized I don't think marriage is necessarily the right path for you.
Phoebe: What'd you mean?
Ross: Well, I know the other day in the coffee house you were all caught up in the whole soccer mom thing? but is that really you?
Ross: I mean, can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo?
Phoebe: They are awfully boxy.
Ross: You know, look, people like me like stability and security, you don't.
Ross: And that's what so incredible about you.
Ross: You know? You got this wild ... and crazy life, I mean,
Ross: I don't know ... you'd be so bored with marriage. I mean it's so ... normal.
Phoebe: Uh huh, yeah.
Ross: Hey hey, can I help?
Chandler: Well! We er ... climbed up four flights of stairs, maneuvered a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pit bull ...
Chandler: But these last three feet are where it gets really tricky.
Ross: You know, sometimes your words, they hurt.
Joey: Hey, eh ... where'd you guys want this?
Rachel: Yeah, seriously. Cause this is really heavy.
Rachel: I mean not for me because I'm only pretending to hold it, but for these guys.
Phoebe: Just one-one last time erm ... the marriage thing, there's no wiggle room? None at all?
Mike: No, but ... you don't wanna get married either right?
Phoebe: Right. Except that I do wanna get married.
Joey: Couldn't have this conversation down at the truck huh?
Mike: What? You wanna get married?
Phoebe: Someday.
Chandler: Aaaaand ... hernia.
Phoebe: I haven't exactly had a normal life and-and I never really felt like I was missing out on anything but,
Phoebe: it just, it feels that now it's my turn to have some of the regular stuff.
Mike: If you wanna get married why didn't you say something before?
Phoebe: Because I just didn't know how much I wanted it. And-and I love you, and I wanted to live with you.
Mike: Yeah I wanna live with you too! I mean, let's do that!
Phoebe: But I don't I don't think I can!
Phoebe: It was okay to move in when I didn't know what was gonna happen.
Phoebe: but I-I can't move in knowing that nothing is ever gonna happen.
Monica: I said to bring the cushions up first, but no.
Mike: Can we at least try living together? I mean you might you might change your mind about marriage.
Phoebe: Are you gonna change yours?
Mike: No.
Phoebe: Me neither.
Phoebe: Um, I think I need to be with someone who wants what I want.
Mike: But I don't want this to end.
Phoebe: No, I don't want it to end either.
Mike: I can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll have my stuff picked up.
Phoebe: Yeah ... Ok.
Mike: Ok ... so, uh,
Mike: Goodbye.
Everyone: Bye-bye Mike! See you Mike. Bye-bye now.
Rachel: I'm so sorry Pheebs.
Monica: We're all sorry.
Chandler: Ah, look on the bright side, I mean, at least you won't have to live with this ugly chair! That was here already huh? I love you.
Joey: Ah Hah! I did it! Ha Ha!
Joey: Alright.
Joey: Better take all I can carry ...
Joey: Who knows when I'll be able to get in here again huh? !

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