Aug. 25, 2019, 10:45 a.m.

Friends Season 9 Episode 1: The One Where No One Proposes.

Rachel: Joey. Oh my God. Okay.
Rachel:So uh- I guess we should- make it official huh?
Joey: Uh- Look Rachel- Hey Ross is here! Hey look! It's my good friend Ross. Hey Ross.
Ross: Hey Joey. Hey you.
Rachel: Hey you.
Joey: Hey and look he brought flowers. Oh thanks Ross, I'm really more of a candy kinda guy.
Ross: You're weird today. Listen I uh, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Rachel: Yeah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.
Ross: Uh Joey, can you give us just a minute?
Joey: No.
Ross: What?
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I meant no.
Monica: Hi! Hey look who's here!
Mr. Geller: Where's my granddaughter? I've been practicing my magic tricks.
Chandler: He pulled a quarter out of my ear!
Ross: Hey, where's uh, where's mom?
Mr. Geller: She went to pick up Aunt Liddy
Monica: Oh, Aunt Liddy's coming? That means we get five dollars each!
Mr. Geller: So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this?
Chandler: Ok. Wow.
Ross: Uh dad, Emma's in the nursery. I'll take you now if you want, but I really wanna talk to you.
Rachel: I know, I still need to talk to you.
Joey: Oh hey but, before you guys do that I need to talk to you, and Ross, I need to talk to you.
Phoebe: Oh and I need to talk to you.
Monica: About what?
Phoebe: See if you know what these guys are talking about.
Monica: Isn't she beautiful?
Mr. Geller: Look at her, my first grandchild.
Ross: What about Ben?
Mr. Geller: Well of course Ben, I meant my first granddaughter.
Monica: God, isn't she beautiful? Doesn't she look just like Rachel?
Chandler: I know everybody keeps saying that, but all I see is Vin Diesel.
Monica: Hey, what'd you think our baby would look like?
Chandler: Oh God, please you.
Chandler: But, it'll have my sense of humor.
Phoebe: Have umm, have you thought anymore about you and Rachel?
Ross: Oh yeah, actually I was gonna talk to her when you guys all came in the room.
Phoebe: Yay! That's so exciting! Wow, you could've done that with us there.
Ross: Yeah, right.
Phoebe: Oh sure, okay, you can touch yourself in front of us but you can't talk to Rachel.
Ross: What? ! When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?
Phoebe: Oh please! Just before when you were asleep in the lounge!
Phoebe:That, you know, that Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV.
Phoebe: Oh, that reminds me. That Mr. Hasmeje still has my Game Boy.
Joey: Hey Chandler, can I talk to you for a sec?
Chandler: Sure.
Joey: Dude I just did something terrible.
Chandler: That was you? ! I thought it was Jack!
Joey: No! No, that was Jack! Rachel thinks I asked her to marry me!
Chandler: What? ! Why does she think that?
Joey: Cause it kinda looked like I did.
Chandler: Again, what? !
Joey: Okay well, I was down on one knee with the ring in my hand...
Chandler: As we all are at some point during the day.
Joey: It wasn't my ring! It fell out of Ross's jacket! And when I knelt down to pick it up Rachel thought I was proposing!
Chandler: Ross had a ring? ! And he was gonna propose?
Joey: I guess.
Chandler: And you did it first? ! This is gonna kill him! You know how much he loves to propose!
Joey: I know! I know! It's awful.
Chandler: Well, what did she say?
Joey: She said yes.
Chandler: You're smiling.
Joey: No I'm not.
Chandler: Yes you are. I can tell by the way your mouth is. Does Ross know?
Joey: Oh God, what the hell am I gonna tell him?
Chandler: Well maybe you don't have to tell him anything.
Joey: Oh, I like that. Yeah.
Chandler: If you clear things up with Rachel then Ross never needs to find out, but you have to do it now before he hears about it and kicks your ass!
Joey: Now let's not get carried away.
Monica: I want a baby.
Chandler: Honey, we've been over this. I need to be facing the other way.
Monica: Come on! Come on, if we have sex again it'll double our chances of getting pregnant. Do you think that closet's still available?
Chandler: I'm so tired. Yeah okay, but no foreplay.
Monica: Deal!
Ross: Dad, seriously! You know you really should see someone about that!
Mr. Geller: Noted.
Ross: I wanna go talk to Rachel for a minute, are you gonna be okay alone for a bit?
Mr. Geller: Are you kidding me? I could stay and look at her forever.
Ross: Actually uh...
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hi.
Phoebe: Are you all right?
Rachel: Uhh- I think I just got engaged.
Phoebe: Oh my God! He did it?
Rachel: Well- did you know he was gonna ask me?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? I'm like the one who talked him into it. I like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group.
Rachel: And you really think this is a good idea?
Phoebe: I just talked him into it, don't tell me I have to do you too. I, the puppet master gets tired, people.
Rachel: Okay. I-I don't know! It just doesn't feel right.
Phoebe: Why? ! You two are so meant to be together, everybody thinks so.
Rachel: Really? ! Even Ross?
Phoebe: Especially Ross!
Joey: Oh uh, hey Phoebe. Uh you know what? I'll-I'll come back later.
Ross: Wow! Kind of uh, kind of a full house here. I guess I'll just- I'll come back.
Phoebe: There he goes, your fiance.
Rachel: I guess so.
Phoebe: Although he does play with himself in his sleep.
Rachel: Can't say I'm surprised.
Ross: Dad, what're you doing?
Mr. Geller: I think there are people in there having sex.
Joey: Can't be me, I'm standing right here.
Mr. Geller: Wanna peek?
Ross: No!
Mr. Geller: Come on!
Ross: You know what? I don't like you without mom. Come on.
Joey: We're not peeking?
Mr. Geller: Well I'm peeking. Oh my God!
Chandler: Hello sir, you know Monica.
Joey: Hey, uh, is it okay to come in?
Rachel: Of course! Oh, Joey, this ring I- it's beautiful! I love it!
Joey: Yeah uh look Rachel, there's something I gotta tell you.
Rachel: Hey!
Nurse: Hey! Are you ready to try nursing again?
Rachel: Yeah! Hi Emma. Hey, why do you think she won't take my breast?
Nurse: It's all right honey, it takes some babies a while to get it, but don't worry. It'll happen.
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: Yowsa!
Rachel: Okay sweetie, you can do it. Just open up and put it in your mouth.
Joey: Dear Lord.
Rachel: I'm sorry honey, what were you saying?
Joey: Oh uh-uh yeah, I think that...
Rachel: Oh look, she's pulling away again! Do you think my nipples are too big for her mouth? She looks scared. Doesn't she look scared?
Joey: You-you know, I don't really know her.
Nurse: Why don't we try massaging the breast to stimulate the flow.
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: Are you kidding me?
Rachel: It's so frustrating! Why doesn't she want my breast?
Joey: I don't know! Maybe she's crazy!
Phoebe: Oh hey! Wait up!
Ross: Hi!
Phoebe: Congratulations! I didn't wanna say anything in front of Joey 'cause I didn't know if he knew yet.
Ross: What, that we had a baby? Uh, let's give him a little credit, although he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier.
Phoebe: No! No, that you and Rachel are engaged!
Ross: What?
Phoebe: Oh, it's a secret? Oh good! Yes! Oh! We haven't done the secret thing in a long time.
Ross: No, no, Rachel and I are not engaged.
Phoebe: Um, I think you are.
Ross: What're you talking about? Who told you that?
Phoebe: Rachel, your betrothed.
Ross: We are not engaged.
Phoebe: Uh that's right, it's a secret. Okay. No, right, you are not engaged. I misunderstood her.
Ross: Phoebe, there is no secret. Okay? I didn't propose.
Phoebe: Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us that you were a doctor?
Ross: I am a doctor! You know what? I'm just gonna go and-and talk to Rachel myself.
Phoebe: All right, let me too. Should we wake her up?
Ross: No! No, come on, let her sleep! She's so exhausted.
Phoebe: And so engaged.
Ross: Oh my God! She-she thinks we're engaged! Why? Why? Why would she think we're engaged?
Phoebe: Perhaps because you gave her an engagement ring? You know Ross, doctors are supposed to be smart.
Ross: I didn't give her that ring!
Phoebe: You didn't?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: So whose ring is it?
Ross: It's mine.
Phoebe: Is it an engagement ring?
Ross: Yes!
Phoebe: But you didn't give it to her?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: But you were going to propose?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: Huh, I might be losing interest in this.
Ross: Look. Look, my mom gave me that ring because she wanted me to propose to Rachel, but all I wanted to do is see if she maybe- kinda- wanted ah- to start- things up again.
Phoebe: Oh, what beautiful lukewarm sentiment.
Ross: Look, I didn't wanna rush into anything.
Ross:And it seemed like she didn't want to either.
Ross:But I don't, I don't understand how-how any of this happened!
Ross:What? Did she find the ring in my jacket, assume I was gonna propose, throw it on, and-and just start telling people?
Phoebe: No! No, she said you actually proposed to her.
Ross: Well I didn't! I didn't propose! Unless uh- Did I? I haven't slept in forty hours and- it does sound like something I would do.
Chandler: Look, we can't stay in here forever.
Monica: Oh, I just- I still can't believe that my dad saw us having sex! He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees!
Chandler: This is ok. We're all adults here; there's nothing to be ashamed of. Now, let's put on our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door.
Monica: Hi dad! I can still call you that right?
Mr. Geller: Of course. I'll always be your dad.
Chandler: I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn't for fun.
Monica: It wasn't fun?
Chandler: Why? Why-why-would you-Why-why- Look, I just don't want you to think that we're animals who do it whenever we want.
Mr. Geller: Oh, I don't think that. Before today I never thought of you two having sex at all. It was a simpler time.
Monica: The truth is, dad, we're-we're trying.
Chandler: To kill you.
Monica: Why? Why-why-would you...
Chandler: We're trying to have a baby.
Mr. Geller: What?
Monica: Yeah, we're trying to get pregnant.
Mr. Geller: Oh my God! This is so exciting! Well, get back in there! I'll guard the door!
Monica: Well, that's-that's okay dad, we-we can wait until later.
Mr. Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa! I don't think so! Aren't you ovulating?
Monica: Daddy!
Mr. Geller: Well you gotta get at it princess! When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it. That's how I got my bad hip.
Chandler: That's funny, this conversation's how I got the bullet hole in my head.
Mr. Geller: This one time I had my knee up on the sink and your mother, she was...
Chandler: Seriously, sir, my brain's all over the wall.
Monica: Dad, I don't think we need to hear about the specific positions you and mom had sex.
Mr. Geller: You're right, you're right. This is about your positions. Now, what I saw in the closet is not the optimum position for conceiving a child, although it might feel good.
Monica: I don't feel good right now.
Mr. Geller: But pleasure is important, and it helps if the woman has an orgasm. You up to the task sailor?
Chandler: Oh my God.
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Uh, I need to tell you something.
Monica: Well, now's a good time. I'm on my way to have my ears cut off.
Rachel: Joey asked me to marry him.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Joey proposed to me.
Monica: Is he crazy? ! You just had Ross's baby!
Rachel: Well, I-I said yes.
Monica: What? ! Are you crazy? You just had Ross's baby!
Rachel: I'm sensing you won't throw the shower?
Monica: It's-it's so inappropriate. No, it's worse than that. It's wrong. It's- It is bigger than mine!
Rachel: I know. Days of Our Lives, thank you very much.
Monica: You can't marry him!
Rachel: Why not? I don't wanna do this alone! And he's such a sweet guy and he loves me so much.
Monica: Well do you love him?
Rachel: Sure.
Monica: Sure?
Rachel: Yeah, I mean, whatever.
Monica: If you worry about breaking his heart again, I-I think it's still broken from the last time.
Monica:I mean, So really, you're just, you know, taking the already broken pieces and breaking them into smaller, more manageable pieces.
Monica:Okay, forget that. Honey, the question is this- do you really wanna marry Joey?
Rachel: No. No, I don't. Could you be a dear and go tell him?
Chandler: You still haven't told Rachel you weren't really proposing?
Joey: No! She had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out.
Chandler: Joey, you have to tell her what's going on! And what did it look like?
Joey: I didn't look at it. Stupid baby's head was blocking most of it.
Chandler: Go and tell Rachel right now before Ross finds out.
Joey: Look, it's not that easy. She said she wanted to marry me. I don't wanna hurt her.
Chandler: Okay, look, just do it gently.
Joey: You're right. You're right.
Joey:I-I'll go tell her now before Ross finds out and I'll be gentle. I can do that. I am a gentle person.
Joey:Oh, by the way. Two people screwing in there if you wanna check that out.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Listen, I um- I heard about the engagement.
Rachel: Surprised?
Ross: And confused. Rachel, sweetie, I-I um- I didn't propose to you.
Rachel: I know.
Ross: I don't think you do.
Rachel: You didn't propose to me. Joey did.
Ross: Poor baby, you're so tired. Rachel, I didn't propose to you, Joey didn't propose to you, and Chandler didn't propose to you.
Rachel: Uh- you didn't propose to me, Chandler didn't propose to me, but Joey did.
Ross: Joey proposed to you?
Joey: I can come back.
Ross: Hey, wait! Wait-wait-wait! Joey, did you propose to her?
Joey: No.
Rachel: Yes you did!
Joey: Actually, technically, I didn't.
Rachel: Well then why did you give me a ring?
Ross: Wait! Whoa-whoa, you- you gave her the ring?
Joey: No! No, and I did not ask her to marry me!
Rachel: Yes, you did!
Joey: No, I didn't!
Rachel: Yes, you did!
Joey: No, I didn't!
Rachel: Yes, you did! And don't you say, "You didn't!"
Joey: Ahhh!
Rachel: He was right there. He got down on one knee and he proposed.
Ross: Whoa! You were down on one knee?
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, that looks bad. But-but I didn't- I didn't propose!
Ross: Then what did happen?
Rachel: Yeah, what did happen?
Joey: Okay, the ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up and you thought I was proposing.
Rachel: Yeah, but you said, "Will you marry me?"
Joey: No, I didn't!
Rachel: Yes, you did!
Joey: No, I didn't!
Rachel: Yes, you did-Oh my God you didn't!
Rachel: Ah! Well then why didn't you tell me that before? !
Joey: Well I tried, but people kept coming in and then you took your breast out!
Ross: Whoa! Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa, you saw her breast?
Joey: I'll tell you about it later. Be cool.
Rachel: Well then wait Joey, what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring?
Joey: It wasn't my ring! It's Ross's ring! That's why I felt so bad Rach, because he was gonna propose.
Ross: What?
Rachel: You were gonna propose to me?
Ross: Uh- No.
Joey: Well, this is awkward.
Ross: But I-I was going to see if you know, maybe you wanted, start dating again but that- I mean that-that was all, Rachel.
Joey: Dude, step up! I proposed.
Ross: No, you didn't!
Joey: Oh that's right. There's a lot going on here and I think I ate some bad fruit earlier.
Rachel: All right, so let me just get this clear.
Rachel:You didn't propose.
Rachel:You weren't gonna propose.
Rachel:So this morning I didn't have a boyfriend, and somehow I got dumped twice today.
Nurse: Hey, she just woke up! She's hungry. Why don't we give this another try?
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: Here we go again.
Ross: I can't believe you told her I was gonna propose!
Joey: I can't believe you're not gonna propose!
Ross: Hey, I'm not gonna rush into anything!
Joey: Oh yeah, dude, I totally understand.
Joey:Usually after I have a baby with a woman I like to slow things down!
Rachel: Oh my God!
Ross: What?
Rachel: She's doing it, Look, she's breastfeeding look!
Joey: Ah, it's beautiful.
Nurse: I'll come back for her later.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: Oh, wow, this feels weird.
Ross: What, good weird?
Rachel: Wonderful weird.
Joey: You know what you guys? I'm uh, I'm gonna go too. And uh, I'm sorry about everything.
Rachel: Honey don't worry, it was my mistake.
Joey: No, Rachel, I should've told you sooner. It's just that- Man! That kid is going to town!
Rachel: She's perfect.
Ross: We're so lucky.
Rachel: We really are.
Ross: Look, I-I know it's not a proposal and I don't know where you are, but with everything that's been going on and with Emma and- I've been, I've been feeling...
Rachel: I know. I know. I'm feeling...
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Okay, well, that- Wow, okay, well, um- then maybe, at least we can, we can talk about us again.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe.
Rachel:Well, good. Okay.
Ross: Well good, okay. I-I, kinda think you know if we- you're wearing the ring...
Rachel: what's that?
Ross: And you told Phoebe you were engaged.
Rachel: I'm sorry, what?
Ross: When you thought Joey proposed, did- did you say yes?
Mr. Geller: Kids, I spoke to a doctor and picked up this pamphlets on how to get pregnant.
Monica: Hey dad!
Chandler: Eh.
Mr. Geller: Sorry to bother you again, but could you pass my pamphlets back? Thank you.

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