Friends Season 6 Episode 14: The one Where Chandler Can’t Cry.
Joey: Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to uh…
Joey: Oh wait, I don't have to lie to you, you don't live here anymore. Uh, I'm eating their food. What're you doing?
Rachel: Ross is on a date with my sister, they shut the drapes two and a half hours ago.
Joey: Whoa, I didn't know we could date your sister!
Monica: Joey, we know you steal our food.
Chandler: I'm good.
Monica: Oh, are the drapes still closed honey?
Rachel: Yeah. And you know who should've shut their drapes? It's the perverted old couple two doors over.
Chandler: Is that a swing? Rachel: Oh don't even ask!
Joey: I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister! When Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years.
Chandler: That was like 5 years ago.
Joey: Yeah you got 5 years left!
Joey: You wanna make it 6? !
Rachel: Oh Ross, hey hi! How are ya? There you are!
Rachel: Can I get a cup of coffee. So how was your big date last night?
Ross: Uhh, it was ok. Yeah, it was fun.
Rachel: Yeah, fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys hit it off?
Ross: I guess so.
Rachel: So uh, so did anything happen? Because rumor has it you guys shut the drapes!
Ross: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my favorite fossils.
Rachel: Oh, slides. So. So really nothing happened.
Ross: Something could've happened. All right? Sheshe really dug my slides. Andand she was definitely giving me the vibe.
Rachel: Right. Was it the, ‘Please don't show me another picture of a trilobite vibe?’
Ross: I'm telling you, she was into me, ok? Hey, you remembered trilobite.
Ross: Anyway, if she, if she wasn't into me, why why would she ask me out again?
Rachel: She asked asked you out again?
Ross: Yeah uh huh.
Ross: Tomorrow night, Valentine's Day, the most romantic, day of the year. Who knows what could happen?
Ross: I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean.
Rachel: Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok! I got it! I got it! I got it! I can't! I can't! I can't! I cannot go with you and my sister thing.
Rachel: Ok? I just can't. It's just too weird, all right? I I imagine the two of you together and I just freak out.
Rachel: It freaks me out. I can't do it! I can't do it.
Ross: Ok! Ok! Ok! Yes, it's ok.
Ross: It's ok. Hey, it's too weird for you, I won't see her again.
Rachel: Thank you. I...yeah.
Ross: I mean after, tomorrow night.
Rachel: No no no! No no no! Please Ross, I can't! I can't do it! It's just gonna freak me out!
Ross: Ok! Ok! Ooh hey hey hey! Ok! Ok!
Ross: Ok! I'll I'll tell her tonight, I can't see her anymore.
Rachel: Ross, thanks.
Ross: You want me to call her right now?
Rachel: Oh no! No! No no no no!
Rachel: No, I mean, come on that's that's crazy I mean that's crazy. So what's what's going on with you? What is going on with you?
Ross: Well umm, oh! I may be teaching another class this semester.
Rachel: Yeah do it now, call her right now.
Monica: This is my favorite part.
Phoebe: Me too.
Joey: I don't know what you guys are so sad about. It all works out. E.T. stays with Elliott, and they get to hang out and be best friends, for like, forever.
Chandler: Joey, you've seen this movie before. E.T. goes back home.
Joey: What? Oh no I forgot.
Phoebe: Oh you know what's sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie.
Phoebe: No wait, two! 'Cause on the third day my mother killed herself so I was partly crying for that.
Chandler: Well see now, that I can see crying over, but Bambi, is a cartoon!
Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mother died?
Chandler: Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!
Chandler: Look, if this movie's making you guys cry so much, let's just change the channel.
Chandler: Joey, you're crying over a Doritos commercial.
Joey: I was up for that part.
Monica: You know, Chandler, there's nothing wrong with crying! you you don't have to be so macho all the time.
Chandler: I'm macho.
Monica: Yeah, you're right.
Monica: I don't know what I was thinking.
Chandler: No, I guess I just never really cried. You know? I'm not a crying kinda guy.
Joey: Oh come on man there's gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a threelegged puppy?
Chandler: I'd be sad sure, but I wouldn't cry.
Joey: Ok, what if the puppy said, ‘Help me Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me.’
Chandler: Cry? ! I just found a talking puppy, I'm rich!
Monica: Oh, I've got it! I have got pictures from your childhood. This will get you going good!
Phoebe: All right, what's going on there?
Chandler: Oh, that's Parent's Day, first grade. That's me with the, the janitor Martin.
Monica: Where were your parents?
Chandler: Oh they don't wanna come!
Phoebe: Oh Chandler!
Monica: Poor thing!
Phoebe: So that story doesn't make you cry?
Chandler: No! Look, I don't cry! It's not a big deal! Ok? !
Joey: No! It's not ok! It's not ok at all! You're dead inside!
The Fan: Excuse me.
The Fan: Are you Phoebe Buffay?
The Fan: Cancan I get your autograph, I'm your biggest fan.
Phoebe: Oh you're my biggest fan? I've always wanted to meet you! Hi! Sure! Yeah!
The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think you're really talented.
Phoebe: You're just saying that because you're my biggest fan. Joey listen, take good care of that guy, ok? He's a fan. Bye!
Joey: So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?
The Fan: I have no idea what you're talking about. But I, butbut I just got Phoebe Buffay's autograph!
Joey: Oh, you're Phoebe's fan!
The Fan: Oh yeah! I've seen all her movies.
The Fan: That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.
Joey: I don't think so.
The Fan: No no, it was! She was in uh Sex Toy Story 2, Lawrence of a Labia, and I got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store aren't gonna believe this!
Joey: Gunther! Hey, don't let that guy in here anymore! He just said Phoebe is a porn star!
Gunther: Well, I wouldn't call her a star, but she's really good. You should check out Inspect Her Gadget.
Jill: You'll never believe what just happened, Ross just totally blew me off and he didn't even tell me why!
Rachel: Ohhh, well. You know what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else.
Rachel: Oh! There is this great guy you'll just love at work named Bob! He's a real up and comer in Human Resources.
Jill: Maybe I talk too much, or maybe I should've been more, you know, aggressive sexually.
Rachel: Oh no no no no no, no no no no, that would never have worked on Ross. But you know who that might work on? Bob in Human Resources.
Jill: You know, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I'm not gonna date some random guy from your work.
Rachel: Not random, Bob.
Jill: It's probably because I'm not mature enough, or smart enough. Maybe he doesn't like the way I dress No that can't be it. It's really gotta be the smart thing. Oh, I'm so stupid! I'm just this like incredibly pretty stupid girl!
Rachel: No, honey, ok, ok, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because I asked him to.
Jill: You asked him to?
Jill: Why? !
Rachel: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history...
Jill: I don't understand, you wanna go out with Ross?
Jill: You don't want him, but you don't want me to have him?
Rachel: You know Bob in Human Resources...
Jill: Ugh! I cannot believe you did this to me! You had me doubting how smart I was! You had me doubting my fashion sense!
Rachel: Look, this is not that big a deal! You just don't date Ross! There's a million other guys out there, you can...
Jill: Hey! You have no right to tell me what to do.
Rachel: I'm not telling you what to do! I am telling you what not to do!
Jill: Agh, why are you always so jealous of me?
Rachel: Agh, Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you can't have!
Jill: Can't have? ! Excuse me, the only thing I can't have is dairy!
Rachel: All right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob!
Jill: Who? !
Rachel: In Human Resources!
Rachel: I am jealous of her? ! I mean who does she think she is? ! Princess Caroline? !
Monica: You're jealous of Princess Caroline?
Rachel: Do I have my own castle?
Ross: Hey! Uh, Phoebe's not here is she?
Monica: Oh great! Did you get a movie?
Joey: Uhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I don't think it's the kind you're gonna like.
Chandler: You didn't get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you?
Joey: Sort of...
Monica: Guys, what's going on?
Joey: Uh...Phoebe's a porn star!
All: What? !Yeay! What are you talking about?
Chandler: Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer.
Monica: That's Phoebe! Where did you get that?
Joey: Well down at the adult video place on Bleecker.
Ross: And and I, and I saw Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn't know he was in there.
Rachel: Wow! I mean, I just I can't, I can't believe this.
Rachel: You know, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who's always been somewhat of a question mark.
Monica: This is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes sense though, you know she had such a terrible childhood.
Chandler: Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don't do porn.
Monica: Yes, but you are dead inside.
Joey: All right well, I'd better take that back.
Monica: Wh what, why?
Joey: We can't watch that! I mean that's Phoebe!
Monica: Yeah you're right, we can't we shouldn't watch this.
Rachel: Absolutely not.
Monica: You know maybe a little bit!
Rachel: Probably just the first half.
Joey: No! Hey no! This is wrong, you guys! Phoebe's our friend! Well, I'm not gonna watch it!
Ross: Yeah! Good for you Joe!
Buffay: Ah, I thought I'd find you here, Nosferatu.
The Vampire: Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?
Buffay: Actually, I was kind of hoping it would be the other way around.
Monica: Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle?
Chandler: Her ankle is what you're watching?
Rachel: Well, it's hard to tell...Oh God, she would just stop moving.
Chandler: She's just doing her job!
Joey: You sick bastards!
Rachel: Oh, it's a tattoo! That's weird, Phoebe doesn't...Wait that's Ursula! That's not Phoebe that is Ursula!
Joey: Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it!
Phoebe: Hey! Oh. What's up? Oh my God! What am I doing? !
Monica: Hey sweetie!
Monica: Chicken Soup for the Soul?
Chandler: There's no back to this couch!
Monica: Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff.
Chandler: Yeah I know, what if I figure I give it a shot you know?
Chandler: Maymaybe one of those stories make me cry and then you wouldn't think I was you know, all dead inside.
Monica: Oh that's so sweet! Chandler, I don't care if you can't cry, I love you.
Chandler: Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.
Monica: Stop it!
Chandler: No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we're up at the altar and I'm like this.
Monica: I won't care, because I know that you will be feeling it all in here.
Monica: And if, and if we have a baby one day, and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room and you don't cry, so what? ! And and and, and if we take him to college, we come home and, we see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing, won't matter to me.
Chandler: Ok, well I won't uh, worry about this anymore then.
Monica: Yeah. Andand you know if I die, from a long illness.
Monica: And you're writing out my eulogy and you open the desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can't shed one tiny tear, I know you'll be crying a river inside.
Chandler: Aww, I love you so...
Monica: What is wrong with you? !
Chandler: What? !
Monica: What? ! You can't shed a tear for your dead wife? ! Now, I left you a note from the beyond!
Chandler: So you didn't mean any of that? !
Monica: No, you robot!
Ross: You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to...Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that that's just a little game I I play with the kids down the hall.
Ross: Umm, they've really taken a liking to me. Uhh what's what's what's the matter?
Jill: Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I I mean I know we're not supposed to see each other anymore and I'm ok with that, it's just that I don't know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to about it.
Ross: Aw, of course, what what happened?
Jill: I don't wanna talk about it.
Ross: Ok, umm...
Jill: But you know what might really cheer me up?
Jill: Seeing some more of your super cool slides.
Ross: Wow! Really? !
Jill: Totally, I love them!
Jill: And, maybe you could finish telling me about all the different kinds of sand.
Ross: Well, I'd love to! Here, o you you wait right here and I'll go get the projector and my notes!
Jill: Oh, great! Thanks Ross, you're such a good friend!
Rachel: Hey! Have you guys seen Jill? I can't find her anywhere.
Monica: No, I haven't.
Rachel: Well, is Ross home? Maybe I'll just call him to see if he's actually seen her.
Ursula: Who is it?
Phoebe: It's Phoebe! Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh God. So, so you're making porn movies.
Ursula: No, I'm not.
Man's Voice: Still rolling!
Phoebe: You're making one right now!
Another Man's Voice: Let's go, Phoebe!
Phoebe: And and you're using my name!
Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?
Same Man's Voice: Phoebe, come on!
Phoebe: Look, I'm talking right now! You're you mean her.
Ursula: You know, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
Phoebe: What? !
Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.
Phoebe: No! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! And shame on all of you! You're disgusting! Especially you with that!
Ross: Slides are almost ready.
Jill: Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing! Alcohol!
Ross: Uh ok, well there's there's wine in the kitchen.
Jill: Oh, great!
Rachel: What is my sister doing there? ! And why are the drapes shut? !
Ross: O ok, Rach calm calm down, ok? She she's really upset, we're just talking.
Rachel: Ross! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get back at me! `
Ross: Oh, so that's the only reason she could be here huh?
Ross: It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that that maybe I'm a good listener and I uh I put on uh, a great slide show!
Rachel: Ross, I am telling you she is using you to get back at me!
Ross: You know what? I think I can take care of myself, all right, I'll talk to you later. Goodbye.
Ross: ;Whoa! Uh, that that was your sister. Actually, she she thinks that you're just using me.
Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Joey: Oh no, not you too!
Phoebe: No! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffay's checks, there were a lot of 'em.
Phoebe: Ummmm, and, I won't have to go back there anymore because I gave them my, correct address.
Joey: That's great, but isn't it gonna bother that people still think you're a porn star?
Phoebe: Oh no! No! I I know how to handle it.
Joey: You do?
Phoebe: You're trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I'll give you a hint. From porn! Ok?
Phoebe: Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie!
Joey: Aw yeah, yeah.
Ross: You uh, you may've been right about Jill.
Rachel: Oh! I knew it! What happened?
Ross: Umm, she kissed me.
Rachel: What? ! You kissed!
Chandler: Maybe we should give them some privacy.
Ross: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, ok?
Rachel: Well, it doesn't sound like it! I mean, it's pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just don't kiss them! See? Look at us, right now, not kissing!
Ross: Let me finish, ok? She started kissing me and and I didn't stop it. I guess I I just wasn't thinking...
Rachel: Yeah that's right you weren't thinking! You know what? Let me give you something to think about!
Ross: Oh what what But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing.
Rachel: Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister's mouth long enough to tell me that.
Ross: Look, I I realize if anything were to happen with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen with us!
Rachel: What? !
Ross: No, I mean, look I don't know if anything is ever going to happen with us, again, ever.
Ross: But I don't wanna know that it it never could. So I stopped it and she got mad and broke my projector.
Rachel: Wow. I, I don't even know what to say. Thank you.
Ross: You're welcome.
Monica: Oh my God! Are are you crying?
Chandler: I just don't see why those two can't work things out!
Jill: All right, I'm leaving! 'Cause I'm not gonna spend one more day with someone who's out to sabotage my every move. That's you Rachel!
Rachel: Yeah, I got that.
Jill: You! I throw myself at you and you say no, how gay are you?
Ross: You take care Jill.
Jill: Ok, I'm leaving. Don't worry about me, I'll make it on my own. Who knows how I'll get by, or even if I'll survive.
Rachel: Jill, you can uh, you can stop that now. I know you made up with daddy.
Jill: You do? How?
Rachel: Oh, just a wild guess, and uh, your limo just pulled up.
Jill: Oh, yeah. Well sorry I didn't get to know you guys better.
Monica: Absolute shame.
Jill: Ok, see ya!
Rachel: Bye bye!
Chandler: I I can't believe Jill's gone. I can't help it, I opened a gate.