Friends Season 5 Episode 8: The one With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks.
Rachel: Oh Monica that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever! It was so good. I think you killed us.
Ross: I couldn't possibly eat another bite.
Joey: I need something sweet.
Phoebe: Does anyone wanna watch TV?
All: Yeah, sure.
Phoebe: Monica your remote doesn't work.
Monica: Phoebe, you have to lift it and point.
Phoebe: Oh. Aw, forget it.
Rachel: Hey, you know what we should all do? We should play that game where everyone says one thing that they're thankful for.
Joey: Ooh, I! I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having.
Monica: That's very nice.
Chandler: That's sweet, Joe.
Joey: Yeah, the other day I was at the bus stop and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere and blew this chick's skirt right up.
Joey: Oh! Which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs.
Joey: I mean, it's not so much an underpant as it is a feat of engineering.
Joey: I mean, it's amazing how much they can do with so little material! And the way they play with your mind! I mean is it there, is it not there?
Chandler: Are you aware that you're still talking?
Monica: Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong?
Ross: Huh, I don't know what to pick. Am I more thankful for my divorce or my eviction? Hmm.
Phoebe: Wow! See, and I didn't think you'd be able to come up with anything.
Ross: I'm sorry. It's just that this is the worst Thanksgiving ever.
Chandler: No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriageand take that away from me.
Rachel: No, you're not gonna tell the whole story about how your parents got divorced again are you?
Ross: Oh God, no.
Joey: No, no, come on! I wanna hear it! It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Chandler bumming us out!
Chandler: See, it's a tradition, like the parade. If the parade decided it was gay, moved out, and abandoned its entire family.
Mrs. Bing: Now Chandler dear, just because your father and I are getting a divorce doesn't mean we don't love you.
Mrs. Bing: It just means he would rather sleep with the houseboy than with me.
The Housekeeper: More turkey Mr. Chandler?
Rachel: Every time you tell that story that guy's accent gets thicker and thicker.
Phoebe: So are he and your dad still together?
Chandler: No no no. After they got their own place, the houseboy got his own houseboy. Should've heard his accent.
Ross: You're right. Yours is worse. You are the king of bad Thanksgivings.
Phoebe: I don't know about that. I've got one that's worse.
Chandler: Really? Worse than, "More turkey Mr. Chandler?"
Phoebe: Oh, did the little rich boy have a problem with the butler? Yes, mine's worse!
Past Life Phoebe: More bandages! More bandages! Please, can I get some more bandages in here! This man is dying...Oh no.
Ross: In this life, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Oh, this life! Oh ok no, Chandler's is worse.
Joey: Man, it must be so cool remembering stuff like that! I don't have any past life memories.
Phoebe: Of course you don't sweetie. You're brand new.
Rachel: I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving.
Monica: Oh, let's not tell this story.
All: Oh, come on!
Phoebe: Oh no, I know! I know! It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his head!
Rachel: What? Joey got a turkey stuck on his head? !
Joey: Hey, it's not like it sounds.
Chandler: It's exactly like it sounds.
Phoebe: Joey? What's going on?
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Joey: I know! It's stuck!
Phoebe: Easy, step. How did it get on?
Joey: Well, I put it on to scare Chandler!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out!
Joey: Well then help me get it off! Plus, it smells really bad in here.
Phoebe: Of course it smells bad. You have your head up a dead animal's ass!
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Monica. Oh.
Monica: Hey, did you get the turkey basted - Oh my God! Oh my God! Who is that?
Joey: It's Joey.
Monica: What-what're you doing? Is this supposed to be funny?
Phoebe: No, it's not supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be scary.
Monica: Well, get that off now!
Joey: I can't! It-it's stuck!
Monica: Well, I don't care! That-that turkey has to feed 20 people at my parent's house and they're not gonna eat it off your head!
Phoebe: All right, hold on! Ok, let's just all think.
Monica: Ok, I got it. Phoebe? All right, you pull. I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can. Joey? Now is not the time!
Joey: Sorry! Right. Sorry.
Monica: Ok, count to three. 1.2.3!
Chandler: Arghhhhhh! !
Joey: It worked! I scared ya, I knew it! Ha-ha!
Chandler: I'm over here big guy.
Joey: Yeah, you are! Hey! Ha-ha! I scared you!
Chandler: You did look like an idiot.
Joey: Yeah, I wasn't the only one who looked like an idiot. All right?
Joey: Remember when Ross tried to say, "Butternut squash?" And it came out, "Squatternut buash?"
Ross: Yeah that's the same.
Monica: That's it. That's my worst Thanksgiving.
Phoebe: Oh wait! That can't be the one that Rachel is talking about, 'cause she didn't even know that happened.
All: Oh right. What was it? Which one?
Monica: Umm, I-I really don't want to tell this story.
Chandler: Oh, come on Monica, reliving past pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving is all about. You know, for me anyway. And of course, the Indians.
Monica: Look, umm, of all people, you do not want me to tell this story!
Chandler: What is that supposed to mean?
Mrs. Geller: Monica! I think Rachel's here!
Monica: I'll get it!
Monica: Happy Thanksgiving!
Big Nosed Rachel: Not for me. Chip and I broke up!
Fat Monica: Oh, why? Why? Wh-what happened?
Big Nosed Rachel: Well, you know how my parents are out of town and Chip was gonna come over...
Fat Monica: Yeah, yeah, and you were gonna give him you know, your flower.
Big Nosed Rachel: Ok, Monica, can you just call it sex? ! It really creeps me out when you call it that!
Big Nosed Rachel: Ok, and by the way, while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his tenderness. Believeme!
Big Nosed Rachel: Hi!
Mr. Geller: Hi Rachel!
Big Nosed Rachel: Happy Thanksgiving! Mrs. Geller: You too sweethart!
Mr. Geller: Oh my!
Ross: Uh, everyone, this is Chandler! My roommate and lead singer of our band!
Fat Monica: Ross!
Ross: Oh, this is Monica.
Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister. Chandler: Ok.
Mrs. Geller: I'm so glad you could come Chandler, we've got plenty of food so I hope you're hungry.
Ross: Oh, mom. Mom. Chandler hates Thanksgiving and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food.
Mrs. Geller: Uhh. Oh I'm so glad you brought him here then.
Fat Monica: Hey Chandler, umm, if you want, I can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner.
Chandler: Well, as long as the pilgrims didn't eat it, then I'm in.
Fat Monica: Damm it!
Ross: So uh, Rach? Does it, does it feel weird around here now? You know since I've been away at college.
Big Nosed Rachel: Oh! No, not really.
Ross: Well that's cool. So did...
Chandler: So that's Rachel, uh? The girl you've been writing all those songs about? Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: You might wanna re-think the lyrics to, She Feels Weird Since I've Been Gone.
Big Nosed Rachel: Ugh! I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut Nancy Branson.
Big Nosed Rachel: I am never going out with him again you know. I don't care how much he begs!
Fat Monica: I think his begging days are over now that he's going out with Nancy Branson.
Big Nosed Rachel: You know what? I've just had it with high school boys! They are just silly. They're just silly, stupid boys! I must start dating men!
Ross: Umm, I'm sorry Judy, I couldn't find that bowl you and Jack were looking for.
Fat Monica: Ah. Call them mom and dad you loser!
Fat Monica: Hey Chandler! Did you like the macaroni and cheese?
Chandler: Oh yeah, it was great. You should be a chef.
Fat Monica: Ok!
Big Nosed Rachel: Guess what? ! All that stuff about Nancy Branson being a slut was all a rumor so Chip dumped her and he wants to come over to my house tonight!
Fat Monica: Oh that is so great! Big Nosed Rachel: I know!
Fat Monica: Oh gosh, listen, if you and Chip do it tonight, promise me you'll tell me everything.
Big Nosed Rachel: Oh totally, totally. You know it's not that big a deal, we already kinda did it once you know.
Fat Monica: I know, but you know, this time you're gonna definitely know whether or not you did it!
Big Nosed Rachel: I know, honey. Oh, and Chip promised, that-that this time it will last at least for an entire song!
Ross: So I'm thinking about asking Rachel out tonight. You know maybe play her that song we wrote last week.
Chandler: Emotional Knapsack?
Chandler: Right on! Oh! Uh, but, don't take too long ok? Because uh, you know, we're gonna test out our fake ID's tonight, right? Clifford Alverez.
Ross: Listen, Roland Chang, if things go well, I may be out with her all night.
Chandler: Dude, don't do that to me!
Ross: All right, it's cool you can stay here. My parents won't mind.
Chandler: No, it's not that, I just don't wanna be stuck here all night with your fat sister.
Mrs. Geller: Monica, why don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any more room in the fridge.
Fat Monica: No. No, thank you!
Mr. Geller: Well Judy, you did it! She's finally full!
Chandler: I called you fat? ! I don't even remember that!
Joey: Maybe it'd jog your memory if you guys play a little bit of Emotional Knapsack.
Chandler: I am so sorry. I really am. But, come on, I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham!concert for crying out loud!
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you called her fat.
Ross: I can't believe you let George Michael slap you.
Chandler: I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry.
Rachel: Actually, You know that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about.
Monica: Yes it was!
Rachel: No, it wasn't. It was actually...
Monica: Ok, you now what, Thanksgiving's over, let's get ready for Christmas. Who wants to go get a Christmas tree? !
Phoebe: Oh, no, I have the cutest Christmas story!
Chandler: Ok, but we wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story!
Phoebe: Fine, all right, mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but you know, whatever.
Mrs. Geller: So Rachel, your mom tells me you changed your major again.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, I had too. There was never any parking by the psychology building.
Mr. Geller: Hi Rachel.
Rachel: Oh hi!
Mr. Geller: Wow, love your new nose! Mrs. Geller: Jack.
Mr. Geller: What? Dr. Wilson's an artist! He removed my mole cluster. Wanna see?
Mrs. Geller: I'll get it.
Rachel: No, God! Please, let me!
Ross: Hey. Happy Thanksgiving!
Mr. Geller: God, your hair sure is different!
Chandler: Yeah, we were just talking about that. I can't believe how stupid we used to look.
Ross: So uh, where's Monica?
Mrs. Geller: She's upstairs. Monica! Come down! Everyone's here! Ross, Rachel, and the boy who hates Thanksgiving.
Monica: Hi, Chandler.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: What-what's the matter? Is there, is there something on my dress?
Chandler: You just, you look so different! Terrific! That dress! That body!
Mrs. Geller: Yes, yes Monica is thin. It's wonderful. But what we really wanna hear about is Ross's new girlfriend.
Ross: Oh mom! Ok, umm, her name is Carol. And she's really pretty, and smart.
Ross: And uh, she's-she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can you believe it? She plays for both teams!
Monica: So, uh, Chandler, I guess I'll see you at dinner.
Mr. Geller: Dude!
Rachel: Oh-ho, my God! That was so awesome! You totally got him back for calling you fat! He was just drooling all over you. That must've felt so great!
Monica: Well it didn't!
Monica: Yeah, I mean yeah, I look great. And, yeah, I feel great and yeah, my heart is not in trouble anymore! Blah, blah, blah, ok? You know I still feel like I got him back, you know?
Monica:I mean I just wanna humiliate him. I wanna, I want him to be like-like naked and I wanna point at himand I wanna laugh!
Rachel: Ok, that we may be able to do.
Rachel: Well guys tend to get naked before they're gonna have sex.
Monica: What? I mean, I didn't work this hard and-and-and lose all this weight just so that I can give my flower to someone like him!
Rachel: Ok, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one's gonna ever take it.
Rachel: And then, second of all, you're not gonna actually have sex with him! You're just gonna make him think that you are.
Monica: And when he's naked I can throw him out in the front yard and lock the door and then all our neighbors will just humiliate him!
Rachel: See? yes, then you'll definitely get him back!
Monica: Ok, so how do I make him think I wanna have sex with him?
Rachel: Uh, oh, here's what you do. Just act like everything around you turns you on.
Monica: What do you mean?
Rachel: Well, like anything can be sexy. Like umm, oh! Ok, like this, like this dishtowel!
Rachel: Ooh, ooh, this feels sooo good against my cheek! And-and if I get a little hot, I can just dab myself with it. Or I can bring it down to my side and maybe run it through my fingers while I talk to him.
Monica: I can do that!
Rachel: You can? Ok, good, good, good, get busy, he's coming. he's coming. Hey, what's up?
Chandler: Monica, I was wondering if you could make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year.
Monica: Umm, I'd love too! Ok.
Monica: Oh, I love macaroni and cheese. I love the way this box feels against my cheek.
And I love carrots.
Monica: Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers, like this and-and hold them down here while I talk to you.
Monica: Umm, and-and-and You know if I get really hot, umm, I-I like to pick up this knife and-and umm, I-I put the, the cold steel against umm, my body.
Chandler: Are you all right?
Monica: Oh yeah, I'm fine it's...
The Doctor: What do we got here?
The Paramedic: Twenty year old male, he's got a severed toe on his right foot.
Ross: Could you please not do that feet first? You know where his injury is! Severed toe, you just said it!
The Doctor: It says here that the knife went right through your shoe.
Mr. Geller: Of course it did. They're made of wicker.
The Doctor: Did you bring the toe?
Monica: Oh yes! I have it right here, on ice!
Chandler: Toes On Ice! Coming soon to Madison Square Garden.
Ross: Save your strength, man!
The Doctor: Don't worry son, we'll just reattach it and-
Monica: What? What is it?
The Doctor: You brought a carrot.
The Doctor: This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot.
Rachel: You brought a carrot? !
Mrs. Geller: Oh my God! There's a toe in my kitchen.
Monica: God, I'm sorry! I'll go back and get it!
The Doctor: It's too late, all we can do now is sew up the wound.
Chandler: Without my toe? ! I need my toe!
Monica: Wait, no-no, I can go really fast! Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche!
Mr. Geller: Oh, I'm not falling for that one!
Chandler: That's why I lost my toe? ! Because I called you fat? !
Monica: I didn't mean to cut it off. It was an accident.
Chandler: That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-A-Lot? !
Monica: I'm sorry! It wasn't your whole toe!
Chandler: Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail.
Ross: Sir Limps-A-Lot, I came up with that.
Joey: You're a dork.
Chandler: Aww. I can't believe this.
Monica: Chandler, I said I was sorry.
Chandler: Yeah, well, sorry doesn't bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home!
Chandler: You know I just figured that something like this would've happened today. I hate this stupid day!And everything about it! I'll see you later.
Monica: Oh wait, Chandler, come here. Is there anything I can do? Anything?
Chandler: Yeah, just, leave me alone for a while.
Chandler: Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack, quack!" I'm happy all the time!
Chandler: Nice try.
Monica: Wait, wait, wait!
Chandler: Look, Monica...
Chandler: This is not gonna work.
Monica: I bet this'll work!
Chandler: You are so great! I love you!
Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!
Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this!
Chandler: No I didn't!
Monica: Yes, you did!
Chandler: No I didn't!
Monica: You love me!
Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
French Phoebe: Gauze! Gauze! I need to get some gauze in here! Can I please get some more gauze- Whew!
French Phoebe: This is getting ridiculous huh? !